Ahead of the Interfaith Curve: Rabbi Michael P. Sternfield

Unkosher Jesus is a site that I launched for the purpose of discussing and exploring interfaith relationships, marriage and child rearing, among other topics. I've devoted at least a couple of posts specifically to topics of interfaith families and child rearing, and one of the obvious challenges I've described is the lack of religious clergy and institutions that specifically support couples and families who choose to structure a dual-faith household for themselves (as my wife and I have).

Enter Rabbi Michael Sternfield of the Chicago Sinai Congregation. I discovered the text of a sermon he delivered during Rosh Hoshanna in 2002 entitled, And The Two of Them Went Together. It is a beautiful piece of writing that escapes the bounds of mere prose and approaches poetic sublimity. In this one sermon Rabbi Sternfield succeeds in both defining and defending the notion of couples sharing a dual-faith household (specifically, Jewish-Christian in his example, but which can apply to any such dual-faith arrangement). It is also a miraculous statement, as it represents an enormous amount of bravery on the part of Rabbi Sternfield, who delivered this sound defense of interfaith marriage publicly, before his entire congregation at the outset of the High Holidays. I honestly cannot do sufficient justice to the beauty of Rabbi Sternfield's sermon, and would simply like to share an excerpt here.

Every year, many more Jews marry non-Jews than marry other Jews. The preponderance of interfaith marriages constitutes nothing less than a silent revolution, and Jewish life will never be the same. Most of the attention has centered on the belief that interfaith marriage is a threat to Jewish survival. I am in complete disagreement with this prognosis. My contention is that Judaism will not only survive; it will flourish if we learn how to deal with the phenomenon of interfaith marriage more creatively. However, we must not expect the nature of Jewish life to remain the same because it will not. A new Jewish/Christian amalgam has come into existence. It is being created by those born Jewish and those Christians who are married to Jews and who are bringing their own sensitivities and mind-set with them.

The conventional wisdom has it that one cannot be both Jewish and Christian. But, I must tell you that the conventional wisdom is at least partially in error. As much as the formal institutions of Jewish life push for a single resolution concerning religious identity, more and more interfaith couples are creating their own path. Dissatisfied with the answers they are receiving from the institutions of religion, there are many couples who are making a serious attempt to blend their heritages, some with remarkable success.

Could we say that this is a new religion in the making? I am not sure. What I do know is that there is a new religious community in the making, one that is increasingly diverse, wherein the old boundaries no longer exist. As in the fable of the Emperor's New Clothes, almost all of the Judaism wants to go on pretending that these kind of phenomena do not exist; that reconciling Christianity and Judaism is not possible. If we care to look, we will discover that this is not the case. They absolutely do exist, and we had better open our eyes.


I have never read, nor have I myself even written, anything that comes closer than this wonderful sermon to describing my own vision of how interfaith relationships can and should work. Rabbi Sternfield’s willingness to acknowledge and accept change as a given and as a good thing is very heartening. Rare is the member of the clergy from either Judaism or Christianity who is willing to state simply and clearly that there is nothing inherently unchangeable or “eternal” about religious observance and tradition. Between God and religious traditions, God is the only One that is eternal and unchanging. The rest… well, suffice it to say that I believe that it is good and proper for us to reexamine what we believe and how we practice, regardless of whether these have been represented as nothing less than decrees from God Himself. Judaism teaches that to be born a Jew is to inherit the faith heritage of your Jewish ancestors, which you are then obligated to uphold. Christianity proclaims the divine authority of Jesus Christ, simultaneously God and Man, through whom all of humanity must be saved in order to inherit eternal life. And so on. All absolutes. Worship Jesus, follow the Gospel and practice the rituals of Christianity-exclusively-in order to follow God’s will and inherit the Kingdom. Worship God, follow the Torah and practice the rituals and teachings of Judaism-exclusively-in order to follow God’s law (and maybe or maybe not inherit the Kingdom, but that’s not really the point of Judaism).


Making room for combined ways of expressing belief and practicing faith traditions means being open to re-examining these beliefs, to changing these very traditions, if not what they stand for. As challenging as this is for most people to do, in the end I feel that the interfaith approach does more to affirm our humanity than restricting belief and practice to one religion. I know that the approach I advocate will strike many as relativist, but I am a believer in few absolutes. That God is One is one of these. That human beings are created to love and serve one another in justice and mercy is another. I don't see how interfaith relationships and religious observances and practices violate either of these. I'm glad to know that Rabbi Sternfield feels the same way, and moreover has the courage to say so out loud. In the simple and profound words of his colleague Rabbi Harold Schulweis, “Things change. People change... Institutions change. Doctrines change.” Amen, Rabbi. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

Taking "Yes" For an Answer, by Rabbi Michael Sternfield (InterfaithUnion.org)

The Interfaith Union (Chicago, IL)

The Best Gift for Your Unborn Children, by Rabbi Julie Greenberg (InterfaithFamily.com, July 24, 2007)

Rabbi Arthur Blecher, The Unorthodox Rabbi

Interfaith Approach to Forgiving Trespass, by Julie Galambush (The New York Times, January 1, 2007)

Interfaith Marriage and Families (UnkosherJesus.com, May 20, 2007)

Religious Americans: My Faith Isn't the Only Way (MSNBC.com, June 23, 2008)

Bishop John Shelby Spong (Beliefnet.com)

The New Seminary (New York, NY)

The Chaplaincy Institute (Berkeley, CA)

Free To Be You and Me (and Us)

Interfaith people- couples, families- we're special. Sure, we don't like to crow about it, but let's face it- we made some unique and bold choices to be in the relationships we're in. We like breaking new ground. For the most part we come from families who were expecting to pass on familiar traditions, religious and cultural, for us to in turn pass on to our own children. Instead, we have broken the link in the chain of traditional purity, eschewing orthodoxy in order to pursue something else that spoke to us. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I think it's safe to generally say that for those of us in interfaith relationships we saw, and see, value in relationships that transcend theology and dogma. I am personally very happy to see Christians and Jews dating and marrying in greater numbers. I think that there is real power in current generations of young people refusing to perpetuate ancient animosities and hurts, refusing to see either religion as flawed or "less than", refusing to let differences in religious heritage and upbringing to stand in the way of a loving human relationship.

However... the tug of tradition and familial ties is strong. We may be perfectly happy in our interfaith relationship, and still feel the pang of longing for something more familiar and comforting. At the same time we are confronted with the question of identity: Who are you? If I am no longer intending to raise my children in the Catholic tradition, what exactly is my plan? Who or what am I? If I don't want them to be exclusively Jewish either, what alternative do I propose? Who will they be? I could ask the rabbi at the neighborhood synagogue to split the difference- throw in some Gospel readings every so often, but don't worry about serving communion. Or maybe the neighborhood parish priest wouldn't mind reciting the Sh'ma at the beginning of Mass and adding a Torah reading to the service. Right. I'm sure I'd get real far with either of these.

Nor should I. I mean, I made the choice to pursue a non-traditional life path as far as faith and religion are concerned. There's nothing about my right to make that choice that obligates traditional faith communities to rearrange themselves to accommodate what I am looking for. That's on me. That's on us.

The Good News (technically not the Gospel variety, but obviously related) is that we are not alone, neither in our choice to marry outside of our respective faiths, nor in our pursuit of worship space and worship experience that does combine various aspects of our traditions. A wonderful example of this pluralistic approach in action is The New Seminary in New York City. The seminary's motto is, "Never instead of, always in addition to." The basic approach of the seminary appears to be one of teaching respect and reverence for all religions as legitimate paths to God. Seminarians are not asked to convert to a faith that is not their own, or to otherwise leave the faith they were raised in in order to enroll. The seminary is not about creating a pan-religion amalgam that homogenizes all religions into one mega-faith. Instead, the New Seminary simply refuses to demand that seminarians make the false choice between this or that faith, or to otherwise see more value in one faith and less value or "truth" in all others. The seminary states that "We believe that it is not the form of religious practice that is important, but the spiritual intent that underlies it. We recognize that God is in all things and in ALL people." And as I wrote in an earlier post, "it is no irreverence or betrayal to participate fully in the rituals and sacraments of faith traditions different than one's own."

The work of the New Seminary should be celebrated and applauded by those of us in interfaith relationships. The most threatening aspect of our relationships, to religious institutions, to family members, and even to ourselves sometimes, is the fear that nothing of our faith traditions and heritage will be passed on to our children because we're too busy dancing around the notion that you can only be Jewish, Christian, Muslim, or whatever other faith, but you cannot be both. For what it's worth, I'm with the New Seminary on this one- yes, you can.

Free to Be You and Me (Title Track)

Bottom Line: Who are we? I believe that as interfaith couples we are called to be trail blazers and examples to the wider community. We are called to move beyond the fear-driven false choice of either/or. Self-segregating ourselves within our traditional faith communities has obviously not resulted in a more harmonious worldwide human community. To demonstrate that we have the courage of our convictions we need to see the value in truly interfaith worship, in forging new paths towards being "both" in our respective households.

Yes, our respective faith traditions are beautiful and have their own unique character and history. However, this only has real value as far as our families and communities are concerned when we demonstrate how our unique faith and cultural heritages can also make room in our homes for our spouses traditions as well. We celebrate our spouses' traditions not instead of our own, but in addition to these. In doing so we serve as role models of peace, humility and respect for our children and for society in general. We keep what is good and beautiful about our traditions leaving behind the tendency to use these as an excuse to keep ourselves separate from others who are different. "Never instead of, always in addition to." Shalom.

-Doug L.

The Who: Who Are You?


FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

On Interfaith, by Rabbi Roger Moss (NewSeminary.org)

Bad Girl's Guide: Inter-Faith Relationships (Vixentales.blogspot.com, September 13, 2007)

Am I a Person or a Jew? (Jewish Atheist blog, July 30, 2007)

Questions and Answers About Raising a Child in a Multi-Religious Family, by Racheline Maltese (Associated Content.com, June 6, 2006)

Debating The Year of Living Biblically (Slate.com)

Interfaith Observations, Pt. 1 (Way Is Vast blog, October 10, 2007)

"Faith space opens: Old Union facility promotes interfaith worship." (The Stanford Daily, October 9, 2007)

How Does God Speak in Interfaith America? (Mainstream Baptist blog, October 8, 2007)

God Big Enough to Embrace All, by Bishop John Shelby Spong (Washington Post On Faith, April 13, 2007)

The Center for Progressive Christianity

Tikkun Magazine

Network of Spiritual Progressives

Intermarriage: Charting New Directions

"You can't be both!" The rabbi from the neighborhood shul sternly upbraided me after I had finished describing how my wife and I will one day raise our children in both the Jewish and Christian faith traditions. I felt the blood rise to my cheeks and the back of my neck became very hot. I never like being told what I can or can't do, especially when it has to do with something as personal as how my wife and I choose to raise our children. I was further upset because the premise for the gathering at the shul was held under the pretense of "interfaith dialogue". Instead, the evening was about the rabbi's desire to affirm non-Jewish matrimonial partners who had agreed with their Jewish spouses to raise their children in an exclusively Jewish household. Not my idea of interfaith.

In a way, though, it was hard to stay angry with him. After all, his job is to grow and sustain the Jewish community that worships at his shul. Encouraging his congregants to go out and baptize their children in the name of Jesus Christ is not the traditional way for rabbis to accomplish this. And his opinion is scarcely isolated within the world of religious Judaism. In many, if not most cases, the reaction to the growing intermarriage phenomenon by Jewish scholars, religious leaders and lay people is highly critical and denunciatory. My encounter with the neighborhood rabbi and the following comments posted by a rabbi on BeliefNet.com provide a good example of the types of fierce resistance that Jewish men and women encounter in response to the notion of marrying a non-Jew:

"I often ask Jewish men to think of the many Jewish women who need Jewish husbands. With so few Jewish men available to Jewish women anyway—Jewish men marry outside the faith at twice the rate of Jewish women—every time a Jewish man dates or marries a non-Jewish woman, it leaves another Jewish woman who will never find a Jewish husband.

"So you may ask, to paraphrase the Beatles, 'all those lonely (Jewish) people, where do they all come?' Well, a lot of them come from the paucity of Jewish spouses left because of high incidents of intermarriage."

It is a rare thing in life to hear an ordained member of the clergy invoke the Beatles as a means to laying down a serious guilt trip, so savor the memory of this moment. At any rate, this rabbi takes the kugel for chutzpah in my book. Nowhere in his column do his comments reflect any consideration for what it is the young man wants for himself. Marriage is seen mainly, primarily as a vessel through which the continuation of the Jewish people is ensured. The love between two human beings appears to be of secondary consideration.

Now, the purpose of this column is not to pick on Jewish rabbis, and the Catholic faith that I come from can be every bit as unbending in its insistence on orthodoxy of belief and practice. This includes choosing a marriage partner who at the very least will not impede one's ability to raise children in the Catholic faith. (Again, that theme: marriage as the primary vehicle for expanding and perpetuating an institution. Where's the love?). Now, on the one hand, I do have to say that the diocese where I live was very accommodating when I requested a dispensation to be married to a non-Catholic. I tip my hat to the priests who worked with me and my wife to secure Church permission to conduct a non-traditional marriage ceremony with the assistance of a Catholic priest. On the other hand, there are loads of über-Catholic Catholics who shudder to think that (a) there are people in the world who are not Catholic, and (b) worse yet, there are Catholics in the world who would (shudder) choose to marry a non-Catholic. You can read a sample of what I'm talking about by clicking here.

OK- then there is the subject of something that is referred to as the "Silent Holocaust". This term is used in reference to a handful of social and political topics, but the usage I'm referring to is when devout Jews ascribe this term to the high incidence of interfaith marriage. The contention is that Jews who would and should otherwise be marrying other Jews are thinning the overall worldwide Jewish population by marrying non-Jews. Thus, the contention is made that what Hitler and his evil legion of murderers and rapists could not achieve through violent acts of killing, interfaith couples are achieving quietly one wedding at a time.

I think I'll need to devote an entire other blog post to this particularly odious topic, as I've already said a great deal and this phrase stirs up very strong feelings inside of me. For now, suffice it to say that I am beyond offended that anyone would stoop so low as to even casually associate me and anyone else in an interfaith marriage to the vile and nefarious participants in Hitler's campaign of brutality and death. This association is beneath contempt. It maliciously slanders each person of good faith and character who is in an interfaith marriage, while at the same time carelessly cheapening the memory of those who perished under such mournful circumstances.

OK. 'Nuff said about that for now. As for decisions that are inevitably forced upon the members of any given interfaith marriage, I see the issue as breaking along the lines of the false choice of all or none. Judaism, Catholicism, and other organized religions teach that you're either "X" or you're not. In response to this I posit that our children will learn that they are Jewish and Irish, Greek and Czech. They will learn about the cultural and historical aspects of all of the heritage that they will inherit. They can be believers in Jesus Christ without following the path prescribed by the Catholic Church or any other, if that is what they choose. They'll learn that it is possible to be X, Y and Z. In an earlier post I quoted Buddhist monk Thich Naht Hahn on this very topict: "In Christianity, you have to believe in the resurrection or you are not considered a Christian. I am afraid this criterion may discourage some people from looking into the life of Jesus. This is a pity, because we can appreciate Jesus Christ as both an historical door and an ultimate door." Indeed.

There is more than one way to be, people. The birth of new ways obviously will challenge the old ways. But the challenge is one that encourages growth and understanding, not destruction. Interfaith marriage is not, should not be about squelching one's faith or cultural heritage. Interfaith marriage should stand as an example of inclusiveness and provide a window that offers a glimpse at new directions that faith institutions could be taking. I'll close with a quote from Fr. Walter H. Cuenin, a Catholic priest who penned a guest column on interfaith marriage for the Jewish family Web site InterfaithFamily.com (see the link below). I've never met the good father, but I couldn't agree more with what he has to say:

"It also seems to me that we need to appreciate the good that can come from interfaith marriages. In a strange sort of way these marriages do remind us that God's call for the human family transcends all religious boundaries. There is no religion that has the only path to God. While we find great benefit in our own faith traditions and want to see them passed on to future generations, no one tradition has an exclusive hold on God's attention. When people of radically different yet connected traditions marry, perhaps they are imaging a new way of viewing life. It may seem disconcerting, but could it not also be a call to greater religious harmony?"

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

A Catholic Priest's Perspective on Interfaith Marriage, by Rev. Walter H. Cuenin (InterfaithFamily.com)

Jewish Mother, Catholic Girlfriend, by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (BeliefNet.com)

"Jews to Intermarriage as Babies to Bathwater," by Tamar Fox (Jewcy.com, August 6, 2007)

Catholic Discussion Board (Greenspun.com)

"Chaplaincy Holds Panel on Interfaith Marriage." The Brandeis Hoot, February 9, 2007.

AmericanCatholic.org

J-Date.com

CatholicMatch.com

Intermarriage (Ohr.edu, September 17, 2005)

Silent Holocaust (Wikipedia.com)

The Interfaith Union

"On Assimilation and Intermarriage...Again." (NewZionist.com, July 7, 2005)

I Did It My Way...

Frank Sinatra: My Way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

When I first started blogging on the topic of interfaith relationships, religion, dogma, etc., never did I envision quoting the late great Frank Sinatra as a means to illustrating a given point I might try to make. But, the lyrics to My Way nicely summarize a lot of what I've been experiencing emotionally and intellectually the further down the interfaith path I travel and particularly as I contemplate what it is I want for my household and, someday, for my children. Let me try and explain...

In the opening post on Unkosher Jesus, I described myself as "as the Catholic half of a Jewish-Catholic marriage." This is technically true, as I was raised, baptized and confirmed as a Roman Catholic. Yet in a recent post ("Equal and Opposite Reactions", 09/11/2007), I responded to a reader's posted comment in part by saying that "I do not look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." The reader responded with both editorial commentary but also with a question that I feel requires serious reflection if I in fact take my approach to an interfaith lifestyle seriously:

"It is truly sad that you don't "look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." Exactly what do you, as the Catholic half of an interfaith marriage, look to the Church for then? It seems ludicrous that you would call yourself a Catholic and not care what she says concerning moral matters."

So, what kind of a Catholic am I? How can I call myself a Catholic if I have married someone who is not Catholic, and with whom I do not intend to raise Catholic children? Well, maybe it's time I simply made peace with the fact that I am more than a lapsed Catholic. Maybe a better term for someone like me is Existential Christian, as I feel like I have left the old, familiar ways of worship and belief, but have not yet arrived at my new home. I know that I want my family's home to have room for God in at least two different fashions, one Jewish and one Christian. I know that I want our children to be affirmed in the heritage that they will inherit from both of us, Jewish and Christian, Greek, Irish and Czech. I believe that the reality of God is bigger than the teachings and beliefs of any one religion.

In fact, I find myself gravitating to the writings of Episcopalian Bishop John Shelby Spong, who asserts that humanity's theistic conceptualization of God is both false and unnecessarily limits our ability to know and honor God. In his 2001 book "A New Christianity for a New World", Spong describes God not as the Author of Being but as the Ground of All Being: "God is Being- the reality underlying everything that is. To worship God you must be willing to risk all, abandoning your defenses and your self-imposed or culturally constructed security systems. If God is the Ground of Being, you worship this divine reality by having the courage to be all that you can be- your deepest, fullest self." Spong's writing echoes an earlier work by Carl Jung, The Undiscovered Self, where Jung writes: "Christianity holds up before us a symbol whose content is the individual way of life of a man, the Son of Man, and that it even regards this individuation process as the incarnation and revelation of God himself."

Being an individualist can be lonely at times, and ultimately a community of worshippers is going to have to consist of more than one person. I have not yet been to a Unitarian church service, and perhaps this would serve as a suitable option. In any event, I am more and more inclined to find my beliefs resonating with those of Bishop Spong and Jung. I see the act of becoming as holy, and that by helping to enable others to become their full selves I am performing a holy task. I will continue to hold to my belief in inclusiveness and togetherness, even where this means a departure from established traditions and practices, and the need to develop creative alternatives.

I'll close with a quote from a reader who posted a comment in response to an earlier blog entry on interfaith families:

"I was thrilled to find this blog. I am Jewish, my husband Catholic, and we are raising our children as both. We had a civil ceremony and had the marriage 'blessed' by a priest in a local church because it was important to my husband. We did not agree to baptize our children or perform any traditional rite. A Rabbi and a Priest performed a welcoming ceremony for both our boys. In this day and age when so much hatred abounds, I would think children are loved brought up to love god in ANY way, and who are taught to understand and appreciate the different ways to pray are gonna be good kids. No baptism or bris will make them better people. And who cares what any religious institution's views is? If it's important to you to receive baptism then fine, have your kids baptized. My kids are doing just fine without it."

My point exactly. When my wife and I were married, it was a religious ceremony that was co-presided over by both a rabbi and a Catholic priest. However, the vows we exchanged were of Pagan origin, Druid to be specific. In this fashion we were able to avoid pledging allegiance to anyone but each other, before God and our family and friends.

Druid wedding vows:

You cannot posses me for I belong to myself.
But because we both wish it, I give you all that is mine to give.

You cannot command me for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you with all of my heart and with all of my love.

I pledge to you that yours will be the name held in my heart each night,
and yours shall be the eyes into which I smile at the start of each day.

I will tell no strangers our grievances or troubles.

I pledge to you all that is mine in my living and my dying, equally in your care.

This is my wedding vow to you, a promise made to my dearest love and greatest friend.

This is a marriage of equals.

We did it our way. We will continue to search for ways to express the presence of God in our home that are right for us, making room for each other's cultural and religious practices. We're glad to know that there are others out there journeying along a similar path. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

"More Couples Choose to Wed Their Way." Washington Post, July 2, 2006

John Shelby Spong.com

Questions and Answers About Raising a Child in a Multi-Religious Family, by Racheline Maltese (AssociatedContent.com, June 6, 2006)

Religion, the Undiscovered Self and the Future (Metareligion.com)

Honor Killing: No Such Thing

There is nothing particularly brave about taking a stand in opposition to murder. It takes about as much courage as it might for any member of Congress to publicly state his or her support of puppies and kittens. Nonetheless, this is the most difficult subject I've taken time to write about to date, and words escape me in my attempt to address this subject in any meaningful way. The monstrous nature of "honor" killings is such that I truly wonder if there is anything intelligent anyone can say in response, other than that this ritual is so inhuman and unspeakably cruel as to be obviously far outside the realm of minimally passable human behavior. You can ask "why", as in why would anyone do such a thing, and yet only an eternal optimist would expect an answer that makes any sense or otherwise puts this form of murder into some type of appropriate context.

A very cursory Internet search using the term "honor killing" immediately and unfortunately yields a wealth of information about this sinful phenomenon. Its origins are primarily found in Islamic cultures of the Middle East. It is a tradition that has tragically migrated to the countries of Western Europe, and even to the United States.

I am not a Koran scholar of any sort, and won't attempt to delve into how the tradition of honor killing emerged from various interpretations of Sharia law. You can find further information about Sharia on the Council of Foreign Relations Web site, which includes specific information about those sins that the Koran specifically singles out for punishment.

The comment I would like to make is that, as a blog devoted to fostering interfaith dialogue and unity, it strikes me that "honor" killing is an extreme form of the type of violence that occurs when people of different faith traditions and beliefs cling too tightly to said traditions and beliefs. Name any faith tradition or religion under the sun, and each one is populated with a wealth of adherents who take a hard line on their particular beliefs and forms of worship. It's this exclusive mindset that leads the Catholic Church to declare that it, and only it, is the one and true right way to know and worship God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit), the one and only path to eternal salvation. It is this mindset that sets off Hindu riots against Muslims in India. It is this mindset that fuels the violence between Sunnis and Shiites in Iraq. It is this mindset that pits the better part of the Arab world against the State of Israel and all of its supporters.

What are we doing? What is any of us doing when we have convinced ourselves that it is God who requires and sanctions any form of violence between and against other human beings? How convinced can any religion be that it holds the ultimate and complete truth about who God is and what God wants when this exceptionalist stance results in any form of violence and hatred perpetrated against people of different beliefs? How does any religion materially improve the lives of all of God's children if it is only intended to sanctify those who profess its specific beliefs? After thousands of years of bloodshed and violence committed in God's name, might it not be time for each of us to step back and examine those beliefs and traditions that facilitate peace and justice vs. those that perpetuate separation and violence?

Thankfully, religious differences do not always lead to violence and separation. In fact, harmony between different faiths and the resulting blossoming of love can occur in the midst of violent bloodshed and deprivation. Case in point: Sarajevo: if you can make it there you can make it anywhere! Actually, this might only be true in more recent times. In the period before the war, inter-ethnic and interfaith relationships were common and mainly not remarked upon. Would that it was so around the world in every culture and society.

To couples of different faith backgrounds who struggle to maintain loving relationships in the face of pressure, even violence, from family, friends, and faith, I say, God bless you. To the victims of violence, to those murdered (mostly women) for daring to love someone of a different religion than your family's, my prayer for you is that you would know peace with God despite having been murdered by those proclaiming to believe in God. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

International Campaign Against Honor Killings

"Thousands of Women Killed for Family 'Honor.'" National Geographic News, February 12, 2002.

Reclaiming Honor in Jordan, by Ellen R. Sheeley (Amazon.com)

"The Death of a Muslim Woman: 'The Whore Lived Like a German.'" Der Spiegel, March 2, 2005.

"The girl who was stoned to death for falling in love." Daily Mail (London), May 17, 2007.

"Father in honor killing found guilty of murder."
MSNBC.com, June 11, 2007.

"God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule." The Onion, September 26, 2001.

Interfaith Marriage and Families

I'm the Catholic half of an interfaith marriage, and my wife, who is Jewish, is the other half. We are still finding our way down the interfaith/multifaith path, but we are mainly happy to make the journey. Yet neither of us is naive enough to think that everyone else in the world holds the same positive view of marriage arrangements like ours. Parents and religious institutions can and have traditionally taken a negative view of such marriages. The source of any such opposition is pretty predictable. Parents want their children to pass on their family's heritage. Religious institutions don't want their congregations to thin out.

My wife and I are very fortunate in that our respective families are giving us the space we need to evaluate what we want for our children and to make the decisions that work for us. We didn't arrive at this point without some real struggle and confusion. The two of us discovered that love and goodwill would only take us so far down the road. As our relationship became more serious, it became necessary to do some deep soul searching and then open up to each other to share what we'd found. This is an ongoing process, and is by no means over. It has, however, helped us to understand ourselves and each other better, to grow closer and more intimate as we work to create a home that is welcoming to both faith traditions.

For interfaith couples in general, there are any number of possible outcomes that can result from these deeply and intensely personal discussions. Some couples opt for no religion at all in the home, leaving it to their children to forge the religious path of their own choosing. Some couples opt to include only one faith tradition in their home, with the other partner either celebrating his or her own faith separately, or else converting to the household faith, while other couples choose to celebrate both faith traditions. In terms of deciding to celebrate both of our faith traditions, the questions people ask us the most have to do with how we'll raise our kids. We have been outright discouraged by more than one person from going the dual-faith route, and others have merely questioned how such an arrangement can work. In most of these cases, the questioner is primarily concerned as to what type of identity issues this might cause for our children someday.

However, despite the seeming contradictions inherent to this approach, we're not convinced that our decision will confuse our children or result in their having no cultural or faith identity as adults. In the PsychCentral.com article, "The Emotional Challenges of Interfaith Families" (cited below), Dr. Allan Schwartz comments that this is not necessarily cause for concern or otherwise threatening to the healthy development of a child's identity:

"It is less the presence of a single religious identity in the home and more the parental style of discipline and involvement with the children and with each other that produces well-adjusted children. Research shows that children whose parents were firm, consistent, involved and affectionate did best in school and in their relationships later in life. The particular religious affiliation of one or both parents is less important to good adjustment than the fact that the parents love and support their children."

Choosing to marry someone of a different faith tradition than one's own, including no faith tradition at all, is an implicit admission that one has accepted a less-than-orthodox arrangement for marriage and child rearing. In our marriage my wife and I have found that the key to making peace with the sacrifices inherent to any interfaith arrangement is open communication and maintaining a strong sense of trust. The benefits of relating this way are obviously not limited to questions of faith and religion, but for any harmony to exist around such questions these are absolutely necessary. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE (Links Updated 05/27/07)

The Challenges of Interfaith Marriage, and Half Life: Jewish Tales from Interfaith Homes (Interfaith Radio, May 24, 2007)

"The Emotional Challenges of Interfaith Marriage," by Allan Schwartz. PsychCentral.com, December 12, 2006

Interfaith Marriage Discussion Board (Beliefnet.com)

Interfaith Marriage Stumbling Blocks and Guidance (About.com)

Divorce Rates Among Inter-Faith Marriages (ReligiousTolerance.org)

Jesus Christ- The Nice Jewish Boy Your Mother Didn't Tell You About

I've given it some thought- a lot of thought, actually- and I've concluded that Jesus Christ might be the least Christian of all of history’s famous Christians. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying that I think that Jesus was lax in practicing his faith. Just the opposite! My understanding of Jesus is that of someone who was keenly devoted to his faith, and who understood his faith to be a vehicle for reaching out to and helping other human beings. Thing is, though, his faith didn't happen to be Christianity. It was Judaism. And given that Jesus practiced the Judaism of his day, and not the Reform or Reconstructionist Judaism of the modern era, this places him squarely in the Orthodox camp- Old Shul, baby.

This is not the Jesus Christ that my mother, my father, or my Church told me about, coming up as I did in the Roman Catholic tradition. I was taught about the wonderful and good things Jesus did: Jesus healed the sick, Jesus fed the poor, and so on. As such, it never occurred to me to give any thought to the fact that my Catholic religion, a faith established upon the person of Jesus himself, was/is fundamentally different than Jesus' own (despite the fact that they share important liturgical and scriptural elements).

Maybe my life would have continued in this same direction, maybe I would never have spent any amount of time reflecting on Jesus' Jewishness. Yes, maybe so, except that in the course of my life I fell in love with and married a Jewish woman. We swept one another off our feet, we vowed our undying love for one another, and we delighted in establishing an interfaith oasis of peace, love and happiness despite our different faiths. Despite our Utopian leanings it was inevitable that Jesus wound up serving as a confounding rather than a unifying figure in our relationship, given the unhappy history between Judaism and Christianity. While there is clearly common theological and liturgical ground shared between Jews and Christians, it vanishes the moment the subject of Jesus as Messiah, Savior, Lord, Eternal Son of God, etc., comes up.

Tricky stuff. Yet despite this, interfaith marriages are increasing in number each year, especially in the metropolitan Washington, DC area. In growing numbers, members of interfaith relationships and marriages continue to choose to engage in an experience fraught with pitfalls such as the “Jesus is the Messiah” / “No, he isn’t” conundrum. This conundrum is not always limited to religious couples. Even people who have not ever been religious per se can find themselves struggling to make sure that their “side” is given a fair hearing in the relationship.

I can’t speak for the Jewish half of my relationship, and maybe I can’t even speak for other Christians. What I do know is that whatever our individual reasons are I think it is pretty clear that those of us who belong to such relationships hold something important in common. We see something very good about coming together this way. We feel that it is better for us as members of different faith traditions and cultures to be close to one another, not divided and separate. We know this is true even as we struggle to figure out what this means or how it works in practical terms.

What causes some of the greatest difficulty for interfaith families is the fact that there is no such official religious institution that reflects this kind of construct, even for couples who have decided to raise their children in one faith tradition. For example, there are precious few rabbis in the metro Washington area who will participate in or otherwise recognize interfaith wedding ceremonies and marriages. Christian priests and ministers may be more amenable to co-officiating at interfaith weddings. However, I don’t know of any churches that have acknowledged the growing number congregants with Jewish spouses or that otherwise strive to address or help meet the religious needs of interfaith couples.

Does that mean that we toss our faith traditions aside and make up our own rules? I don’t know. What I do know is that it is better for people of different faiths to be closer to each other than for them to be separate and divided. I do know that while we all have our own thoughts and opinions about what “interfaith” means, it is good to share these thoughts with each other and to build a community through dialogue and exploration. Those of us with interfaith relationships and families are a part of something that is dynamic, exciting and growing. In the absence of official institutions to support and sanction the choices we are making we need to establish that support for each other. Any steps we take toward understanding and appreciating one another's beliefs and faith traditions are a necessary part of providing that very support and creating shared community.

I'd like to close by pointing out that, although Christians don’t say the Sh’ma at Mass or services, those of us who claim to be his followers (especially those of us with Jewish spouses) would do well to remember that this prayer, the most sacred prayer in Judaism, was very likely nearest and dearest to Jesus’ heart. To wit: “When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them, a scholar of the law, tested him by asking, ‘Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?’ He said to him, ‘You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments.’” (Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 22, verses 34-40.)

The very commandment that Jesus cites as the most important is also found in the beginning of the Sh’ma:

"Sh'ma Yis'ra'eil Adonai Eloheinu Adonai echad."
(Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.)

"Barukh sheim k'vod malkhuto l'olam va'ed."
(Blessed be the Name of His glorious kingdom forever and ever.)

"V'ahav'ta eit Adonai Elohekha b'khol l'vav'kha uv'khol naf'sh'kha uv'khol m'odekha."
(And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.)

This is all to say that there is much good to be said about thinking beyond the established boundaries of our various faith traditions and exploring the unorthodox as a means to growing closer. For myself, I am excited to learn more about the Jewish Jesus. Not only does this provide me with a way to get to really know him better, to deepen my understanding of Jesus and his message, it provides a path for me to grow closer to my wife and her faith tradition. This will hopefully result in more common ground between us, more domestic tranquility. You know, the actual peace, love and happiness that Jesus preached about. Shalom.

-Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

Reclaiming Jesus- The Jewish Standard, 12.09.2005

From Jesus to Christ (Frontline, PBS.org)

Jewish Voices About Jesus (Jewish-Christian Relations.net)

Welcome to Unkosher Jesus!

Unkosher Jesus is the fruit of my musings as the Catholic half of a Jewish-Catholic marriage. We live in the metropolitan Washington, DC area where the rate of intermarriage among Jews and Christians is apparently much higher than in most other parts of the US. Each interfaith relationship is unique and has its own issues and challenges, but for all interfaith couples there are a special set of challenges that come in addition to the pressures any couple typically endures. There are challenges over different faith traditions, challenges over no faith tradition, challenges having to do with figuring out what faith to raise children (if any). And of course, throughout all of it there is the continuing challenge of dealing with the expectations of parents, other family members and religious institutions that have their own expectations as to how our relationships ought to be run.

Unkosher Jesus has been launched to provide a place where anyone who is a member of an interfaith relationship or is simply interested in the interfaith experience can post their thoughts, concerns, insights, and read those of others as well. It is a place where we can explore our shared religious faith traditions while challenging these to remember what their intended purpose is in first place- to create communities where people can grow closer to God by treating other human beings with mercy, compassion and justice. Unkosher Jesus is a place where we can support and even challenge each other as members of the greater interfaith community. It is also a place to discuss current events as these intersect with matters of faith, religion, family and relationships.

My faith heritage and that of my wife's each share the same monotheistic roots, but as a blog Unkosher Jesus does not restrict itself to that point of view. It will strive to reflect and promote the belief that while the world is home to many different countries and cultures, traditions and religions, we are all members of one human race. Unkosher Jesus readers will have the opportunity to comment on each post. Inappropriate comments will be removed- each reader is welcome to state his or her disagreement with the contents of any particular post, even strongly, but please do so respectfully and in the spirit of advancing, not halting, any given discussion. Also, as religion and faith issues often intersect with issues of politics and culture, Unkosher Jesus will usually have something to say about these as well. I hope you do, too.

For those interested in submitting an entry to be posted on Unkosher Jesus, you are invited to please send your submissions to unkosherjesus@gmail.com. There is no prerequisite that prospective authors/commentators be the member of any particular faith, or any faith at all. Readers are invited to submit posts that speak to any variety of issues and current events as these relate to their own interfaith relationships and experiences, including comments and perspectives reflecting your own specific faith tradition. All posts will be published anonymously, unless the author provides Unkosher Jesus with permission to post his or her name. This will typically include the author's first name and the first initial of his or her last name. No one's contact information will be included with any post.

Again, thank you for logging onto Unkosher Jesus! Without further adieu, let the conversation begin...