Free To Be You and Me (and Us)

Interfaith people- couples, families- we're special. Sure, we don't like to crow about it, but let's face it- we made some unique and bold choices to be in the relationships we're in. We like breaking new ground. For the most part we come from families who were expecting to pass on familiar traditions, religious and cultural, for us to in turn pass on to our own children. Instead, we have broken the link in the chain of traditional purity, eschewing orthodoxy in order to pursue something else that spoke to us. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I think it's safe to generally say that for those of us in interfaith relationships we saw, and see, value in relationships that transcend theology and dogma. I am personally very happy to see Christians and Jews dating and marrying in greater numbers. I think that there is real power in current generations of young people refusing to perpetuate ancient animosities and hurts, refusing to see either religion as flawed or "less than", refusing to let differences in religious heritage and upbringing to stand in the way of a loving human relationship.

However... the tug of tradition and familial ties is strong. We may be perfectly happy in our interfaith relationship, and still feel the pang of longing for something more familiar and comforting. At the same time we are confronted with the question of identity: Who are you? If I am no longer intending to raise my children in the Catholic tradition, what exactly is my plan? Who or what am I? If I don't want them to be exclusively Jewish either, what alternative do I propose? Who will they be? I could ask the rabbi at the neighborhood synagogue to split the difference- throw in some Gospel readings every so often, but don't worry about serving communion. Or maybe the neighborhood parish priest wouldn't mind reciting the Sh'ma at the beginning of Mass and adding a Torah reading to the service. Right. I'm sure I'd get real far with either of these.

Nor should I. I mean, I made the choice to pursue a non-traditional life path as far as faith and religion are concerned. There's nothing about my right to make that choice that obligates traditional faith communities to rearrange themselves to accommodate what I am looking for. That's on me. That's on us.

The Good News (technically not the Gospel variety, but obviously related) is that we are not alone, neither in our choice to marry outside of our respective faiths, nor in our pursuit of worship space and worship experience that does combine various aspects of our traditions. A wonderful example of this pluralistic approach in action is The New Seminary in New York City. The seminary's motto is, "Never instead of, always in addition to." The basic approach of the seminary appears to be one of teaching respect and reverence for all religions as legitimate paths to God. Seminarians are not asked to convert to a faith that is not their own, or to otherwise leave the faith they were raised in in order to enroll. The seminary is not about creating a pan-religion amalgam that homogenizes all religions into one mega-faith. Instead, the New Seminary simply refuses to demand that seminarians make the false choice between this or that faith, or to otherwise see more value in one faith and less value or "truth" in all others. The seminary states that "We believe that it is not the form of religious practice that is important, but the spiritual intent that underlies it. We recognize that God is in all things and in ALL people." And as I wrote in an earlier post, "it is no irreverence or betrayal to participate fully in the rituals and sacraments of faith traditions different than one's own."

The work of the New Seminary should be celebrated and applauded by those of us in interfaith relationships. The most threatening aspect of our relationships, to religious institutions, to family members, and even to ourselves sometimes, is the fear that nothing of our faith traditions and heritage will be passed on to our children because we're too busy dancing around the notion that you can only be Jewish, Christian, Muslim, or whatever other faith, but you cannot be both. For what it's worth, I'm with the New Seminary on this one- yes, you can.

Free to Be You and Me (Title Track)

Bottom Line: Who are we? I believe that as interfaith couples we are called to be trail blazers and examples to the wider community. We are called to move beyond the fear-driven false choice of either/or. Self-segregating ourselves within our traditional faith communities has obviously not resulted in a more harmonious worldwide human community. To demonstrate that we have the courage of our convictions we need to see the value in truly interfaith worship, in forging new paths towards being "both" in our respective households.

Yes, our respective faith traditions are beautiful and have their own unique character and history. However, this only has real value as far as our families and communities are concerned when we demonstrate how our unique faith and cultural heritages can also make room in our homes for our spouses traditions as well. We celebrate our spouses' traditions not instead of our own, but in addition to these. In doing so we serve as role models of peace, humility and respect for our children and for society in general. We keep what is good and beautiful about our traditions leaving behind the tendency to use these as an excuse to keep ourselves separate from others who are different. "Never instead of, always in addition to." Shalom.

-Doug L.

The Who: Who Are You?


FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

On Interfaith, by Rabbi Roger Moss (NewSeminary.org)

Bad Girl's Guide: Inter-Faith Relationships (Vixentales.blogspot.com, September 13, 2007)

Am I a Person or a Jew? (Jewish Atheist blog, July 30, 2007)

Questions and Answers About Raising a Child in a Multi-Religious Family, by Racheline Maltese (Associated Content.com, June 6, 2006)

Debating The Year of Living Biblically (Slate.com)

Interfaith Observations, Pt. 1 (Way Is Vast blog, October 10, 2007)

"Faith space opens: Old Union facility promotes interfaith worship." (The Stanford Daily, October 9, 2007)

How Does God Speak in Interfaith America? (Mainstream Baptist blog, October 8, 2007)

God Big Enough to Embrace All, by Bishop John Shelby Spong (Washington Post On Faith, April 13, 2007)

The Center for Progressive Christianity

Tikkun Magazine

Network of Spiritual Progressives

Interfaith Marriage and Families

I'm the Catholic half of an interfaith marriage, and my wife, who is Jewish, is the other half. We are still finding our way down the interfaith/multifaith path, but we are mainly happy to make the journey. Yet neither of us is naive enough to think that everyone else in the world holds the same positive view of marriage arrangements like ours. Parents and religious institutions can and have traditionally taken a negative view of such marriages. The source of any such opposition is pretty predictable. Parents want their children to pass on their family's heritage. Religious institutions don't want their congregations to thin out.

My wife and I are very fortunate in that our respective families are giving us the space we need to evaluate what we want for our children and to make the decisions that work for us. We didn't arrive at this point without some real struggle and confusion. The two of us discovered that love and goodwill would only take us so far down the road. As our relationship became more serious, it became necessary to do some deep soul searching and then open up to each other to share what we'd found. This is an ongoing process, and is by no means over. It has, however, helped us to understand ourselves and each other better, to grow closer and more intimate as we work to create a home that is welcoming to both faith traditions.

For interfaith couples in general, there are any number of possible outcomes that can result from these deeply and intensely personal discussions. Some couples opt for no religion at all in the home, leaving it to their children to forge the religious path of their own choosing. Some couples opt to include only one faith tradition in their home, with the other partner either celebrating his or her own faith separately, or else converting to the household faith, while other couples choose to celebrate both faith traditions. In terms of deciding to celebrate both of our faith traditions, the questions people ask us the most have to do with how we'll raise our kids. We have been outright discouraged by more than one person from going the dual-faith route, and others have merely questioned how such an arrangement can work. In most of these cases, the questioner is primarily concerned as to what type of identity issues this might cause for our children someday.

However, despite the seeming contradictions inherent to this approach, we're not convinced that our decision will confuse our children or result in their having no cultural or faith identity as adults. In the PsychCentral.com article, "The Emotional Challenges of Interfaith Families" (cited below), Dr. Allan Schwartz comments that this is not necessarily cause for concern or otherwise threatening to the healthy development of a child's identity:

"It is less the presence of a single religious identity in the home and more the parental style of discipline and involvement with the children and with each other that produces well-adjusted children. Research shows that children whose parents were firm, consistent, involved and affectionate did best in school and in their relationships later in life. The particular religious affiliation of one or both parents is less important to good adjustment than the fact that the parents love and support their children."

Choosing to marry someone of a different faith tradition than one's own, including no faith tradition at all, is an implicit admission that one has accepted a less-than-orthodox arrangement for marriage and child rearing. In our marriage my wife and I have found that the key to making peace with the sacrifices inherent to any interfaith arrangement is open communication and maintaining a strong sense of trust. The benefits of relating this way are obviously not limited to questions of faith and religion, but for any harmony to exist around such questions these are absolutely necessary. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE (Links Updated 05/27/07)

The Challenges of Interfaith Marriage, and Half Life: Jewish Tales from Interfaith Homes (Interfaith Radio, May 24, 2007)

"The Emotional Challenges of Interfaith Marriage," by Allan Schwartz. PsychCentral.com, December 12, 2006

Interfaith Marriage Discussion Board (Beliefnet.com)

Interfaith Marriage Stumbling Blocks and Guidance (About.com)

Divorce Rates Among Inter-Faith Marriages (ReligiousTolerance.org)