I Did It My Way...

Frank Sinatra: My Way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

When I first started blogging on the topic of interfaith relationships, religion, dogma, etc., never did I envision quoting the late great Frank Sinatra as a means to illustrating a given point I might try to make. But, the lyrics to My Way nicely summarize a lot of what I've been experiencing emotionally and intellectually the further down the interfaith path I travel and particularly as I contemplate what it is I want for my household and, someday, for my children. Let me try and explain...

In the opening post on Unkosher Jesus, I described myself as "as the Catholic half of a Jewish-Catholic marriage." This is technically true, as I was raised, baptized and confirmed as a Roman Catholic. Yet in a recent post ("Equal and Opposite Reactions", 09/11/2007), I responded to a reader's posted comment in part by saying that "I do not look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." The reader responded with both editorial commentary but also with a question that I feel requires serious reflection if I in fact take my approach to an interfaith lifestyle seriously:

"It is truly sad that you don't "look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." Exactly what do you, as the Catholic half of an interfaith marriage, look to the Church for then? It seems ludicrous that you would call yourself a Catholic and not care what she says concerning moral matters."

So, what kind of a Catholic am I? How can I call myself a Catholic if I have married someone who is not Catholic, and with whom I do not intend to raise Catholic children? Well, maybe it's time I simply made peace with the fact that I am more than a lapsed Catholic. Maybe a better term for someone like me is Existential Christian, as I feel like I have left the old, familiar ways of worship and belief, but have not yet arrived at my new home. I know that I want my family's home to have room for God in at least two different fashions, one Jewish and one Christian. I know that I want our children to be affirmed in the heritage that they will inherit from both of us, Jewish and Christian, Greek, Irish and Czech. I believe that the reality of God is bigger than the teachings and beliefs of any one religion.

In fact, I find myself gravitating to the writings of Episcopalian Bishop John Shelby Spong, who asserts that humanity's theistic conceptualization of God is both false and unnecessarily limits our ability to know and honor God. In his 2001 book "A New Christianity for a New World", Spong describes God not as the Author of Being but as the Ground of All Being: "God is Being- the reality underlying everything that is. To worship God you must be willing to risk all, abandoning your defenses and your self-imposed or culturally constructed security systems. If God is the Ground of Being, you worship this divine reality by having the courage to be all that you can be- your deepest, fullest self." Spong's writing echoes an earlier work by Carl Jung, The Undiscovered Self, where Jung writes: "Christianity holds up before us a symbol whose content is the individual way of life of a man, the Son of Man, and that it even regards this individuation process as the incarnation and revelation of God himself."

Being an individualist can be lonely at times, and ultimately a community of worshippers is going to have to consist of more than one person. I have not yet been to a Unitarian church service, and perhaps this would serve as a suitable option. In any event, I am more and more inclined to find my beliefs resonating with those of Bishop Spong and Jung. I see the act of becoming as holy, and that by helping to enable others to become their full selves I am performing a holy task. I will continue to hold to my belief in inclusiveness and togetherness, even where this means a departure from established traditions and practices, and the need to develop creative alternatives.

I'll close with a quote from a reader who posted a comment in response to an earlier blog entry on interfaith families:

"I was thrilled to find this blog. I am Jewish, my husband Catholic, and we are raising our children as both. We had a civil ceremony and had the marriage 'blessed' by a priest in a local church because it was important to my husband. We did not agree to baptize our children or perform any traditional rite. A Rabbi and a Priest performed a welcoming ceremony for both our boys. In this day and age when so much hatred abounds, I would think children are loved brought up to love god in ANY way, and who are taught to understand and appreciate the different ways to pray are gonna be good kids. No baptism or bris will make them better people. And who cares what any religious institution's views is? If it's important to you to receive baptism then fine, have your kids baptized. My kids are doing just fine without it."

My point exactly. When my wife and I were married, it was a religious ceremony that was co-presided over by both a rabbi and a Catholic priest. However, the vows we exchanged were of Pagan origin, Druid to be specific. In this fashion we were able to avoid pledging allegiance to anyone but each other, before God and our family and friends.

Druid wedding vows:

You cannot posses me for I belong to myself.
But because we both wish it, I give you all that is mine to give.

You cannot command me for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you with all of my heart and with all of my love.

I pledge to you that yours will be the name held in my heart each night,
and yours shall be the eyes into which I smile at the start of each day.

I will tell no strangers our grievances or troubles.

I pledge to you all that is mine in my living and my dying, equally in your care.

This is my wedding vow to you, a promise made to my dearest love and greatest friend.

This is a marriage of equals.

We did it our way. We will continue to search for ways to express the presence of God in our home that are right for us, making room for each other's cultural and religious practices. We're glad to know that there are others out there journeying along a similar path. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

"More Couples Choose to Wed Their Way." Washington Post, July 2, 2006

John Shelby Spong.com

Questions and Answers About Raising a Child in a Multi-Religious Family, by Racheline Maltese (AssociatedContent.com, June 6, 2006)

Religion, the Undiscovered Self and the Future (Metareligion.com)