Survey SAYS!...

An open letter to My followers, by Jesus Christ

Hey everyone, Jesus here. I know I don't usually communicate with you this way, but after I read USA TODAY this week, I knew it was time for me to just come out and put some stuff to you as plainly as possible. I'm usually happy to let you simply analyze My teachings and come up with your own conclusions about what I want from My followers, but, well, let's just say I'm rethinking the wisdom of that whole approach, given how things have gone for the past 2,000 or so years since I left.

People, I'm going to come straight to the point and say that some of you are simply not cutting it as My followers. If you keep it up I'm going to have to sue for defamation of character, or unauthorized use of My name, or some such. Seriously, people, have you seen this recent survey? This thing was conducted by LifeWay Research (Biblical Solutions for Life)- not exactly the kind of outfit with a hidden agenda to defame Christians. Yet it's right there in their findings:

"A full 72 percent of the people interviewed said they think the church ‘is full of hypocrites,’" Stetzer said. "At the same time, however, 71 percent of the respondents said they believe Jesus ‘makes a positive difference in a person’s life’ and 78 percent said they would ‘be willing to listen’ to someone who wanted to share what they believed about Christianity."

Um, excuse me? Seventy-two percent of those polled think the church is full of hypocrites?! Now, I didn't actually author the gospels myself or anything like that, but don't they tend to describe hypocrites as, like, the type of people I completely could not stand? Yeah, I think they do, and yet here American poll respondents are telling YOU, certain members of My American flock, that somehow the guy who despised hypocrisy more than any other guy in, like, all of history, is worshiped by none other than a bunch of hypocrites. Great job, people. Thanks. I'm sure My message of peace, compassion, love and forgiveness- oh, and that other part about don't be a hypocrite- will be really well received by people who think My messengers are a bunch of hypocrites.

Oh, and could you be any more clueless about yourselves? "What is it about the faith we live that causes our culture to like Jesus but reject the church?" asks LifeWay Research Director Ed Stetzer. Try this on for size, jefe: maybe people have a favorable impression of me, Jesus Christ, because I'm, you know, the all-forgiving Prince of Peace, while you and your church are the ones running around separating My Dad's world between those who are "churched" and "unchurched". I mean, duh! I look in the dictionary for the definition of obnoxious, I see a picture of some evangelical "Christian" pounding his version of My message into some poor guy's face. Yeah, what is it about preachy evangelical Christianity that people are completely sick of and fed up with? Yeah, I wonder.

Look, I apologize for being harsh and a little sarcastic. It happens when I lose My temper, but still, My bad. Thing is, though, My message is as important to Me today as it was to Me when I first preached it over 2,000 years ago. I mean, I was flogged and crucified for that message, and don't go thinking that 2,000 years is enough time to ever forget about THAT. Point is, I love you all, I really do, but I have to tell you, you need to find another way. The world has some huge problems, my message was intended to provide a way for people to solve problems though acts of love, forgiveness and selflessness, and yet you're clearly falling down on the job. I mean, the United States is teetering on the brink of recession, for one thing. Think that might have an impact on the quality of life for people around the world? Yeah, so do I, especially poor people. And working overtime to convert non-Christians helps to address this problem how, exactly? Oh, and thousands of people are leaving their homes and streaming into the United States every week in search of a better life. They're called illegal immigrants. Maybe you've heard about this problem? I thought so. Now, flash quiz: ever hear of the Corporal Works of Mercy? Good, then maybe you know the one about Welcoming the Stranger. OK, I know, it doesn't say Welcome the Stranger in there, not word-for-word, but still. How you doing with that one, America?

OK, now I'm rambling. Look, I know that there are four pretty lengthy gospels that you use to read about My teachings. On top of that, if you ever took the time to look you'd find that there are even other versions where I do and say a whole bunch of other stuff they don't tell you about at church every Sunday. For all that has been written, though, I don't think it's real hard to boil My message down to its essence. Someone once asked Me, "Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?" I replied, "You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. The whole law and the prophets depend on these two commandments."

OK, so, to recap: Love God with all your heart and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself. The message is simple, but I never said that living it would be. That goes especially for those of you (you know who you are) who think that all you have to do is "get saved" by Me, and then you are basically scott-free from any responsibility for your actions for the rest of your life. Seriously, that is the most obnoxious cop-out and the world's lamest excuse to be a self-righteous load I ever heard of. Talk is cheap, and what I am really interested in seeing are love, forgiveness, and compassion in action. I didn't live and die the way I did in order for people to talk about loving one another. I was hoping to motivate them to actually do it. Oh, and newsflash: when you're running around trying to convert non-Christians, this can actually get in the way of actually loving and relating to them as one human being to another. I don't need you all working to make everyone else a true believer: I need you to work together WITH EVERYONE to make the world a better place FOR EVERYONE.

This week's survey findings and my little op-ed will hopefully serve as a wake-up call for y'all. You know I'm here to help. Just lay off of the conversion angle. Believe it or not, I love everyone, and no, I don't just mean Christian believers. And yes, just so you know, the same goes for my Dad. Lay off of the obnoxious proselytizing and just focus on the core of my message: love God, love your neighbor as your love yourself. You get that down, the rest ought to become a lot clearer.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jesus Christ

(PUBLISHER'S NOTE: This piece not actually written by Jesus Christ.)

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

Survey: Non-attendees find faith outside church (USA TODAY, January 10, 2008)

Is Christian Proselytizing Linked to Religious Hate Crimes? (ReligiousTolderance.org)

Ex-Jews for Jesus

Maryknoll: The U.S. Catholic Mission Movement

The Squandering of America, by Robert Kuttner

Peace Corps

AmeriCorps

Idealist.org (Action Without Borders)