Interfaith Marriage and Families

I'm the Catholic half of an interfaith marriage, and my wife, who is Jewish, is the other half. We are still finding our way down the interfaith/multifaith path, but we are mainly happy to make the journey. Yet neither of us is naive enough to think that everyone else in the world holds the same positive view of marriage arrangements like ours. Parents and religious institutions can and have traditionally taken a negative view of such marriages. The source of any such opposition is pretty predictable. Parents want their children to pass on their family's heritage. Religious institutions don't want their congregations to thin out.

My wife and I are very fortunate in that our respective families are giving us the space we need to evaluate what we want for our children and to make the decisions that work for us. We didn't arrive at this point without some real struggle and confusion. The two of us discovered that love and goodwill would only take us so far down the road. As our relationship became more serious, it became necessary to do some deep soul searching and then open up to each other to share what we'd found. This is an ongoing process, and is by no means over. It has, however, helped us to understand ourselves and each other better, to grow closer and more intimate as we work to create a home that is welcoming to both faith traditions.

For interfaith couples in general, there are any number of possible outcomes that can result from these deeply and intensely personal discussions. Some couples opt for no religion at all in the home, leaving it to their children to forge the religious path of their own choosing. Some couples opt to include only one faith tradition in their home, with the other partner either celebrating his or her own faith separately, or else converting to the household faith, while other couples choose to celebrate both faith traditions. In terms of deciding to celebrate both of our faith traditions, the questions people ask us the most have to do with how we'll raise our kids. We have been outright discouraged by more than one person from going the dual-faith route, and others have merely questioned how such an arrangement can work. In most of these cases, the questioner is primarily concerned as to what type of identity issues this might cause for our children someday.

However, despite the seeming contradictions inherent to this approach, we're not convinced that our decision will confuse our children or result in their having no cultural or faith identity as adults. In the PsychCentral.com article, "The Emotional Challenges of Interfaith Families" (cited below), Dr. Allan Schwartz comments that this is not necessarily cause for concern or otherwise threatening to the healthy development of a child's identity:

"It is less the presence of a single religious identity in the home and more the parental style of discipline and involvement with the children and with each other that produces well-adjusted children. Research shows that children whose parents were firm, consistent, involved and affectionate did best in school and in their relationships later in life. The particular religious affiliation of one or both parents is less important to good adjustment than the fact that the parents love and support their children."

Choosing to marry someone of a different faith tradition than one's own, including no faith tradition at all, is an implicit admission that one has accepted a less-than-orthodox arrangement for marriage and child rearing. In our marriage my wife and I have found that the key to making peace with the sacrifices inherent to any interfaith arrangement is open communication and maintaining a strong sense of trust. The benefits of relating this way are obviously not limited to questions of faith and religion, but for any harmony to exist around such questions these are absolutely necessary. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE (Links Updated 05/27/07)

The Challenges of Interfaith Marriage, and Half Life: Jewish Tales from Interfaith Homes (Interfaith Radio, May 24, 2007)

"The Emotional Challenges of Interfaith Marriage," by Allan Schwartz. PsychCentral.com, December 12, 2006

Interfaith Marriage Discussion Board (Beliefnet.com)

Interfaith Marriage Stumbling Blocks and Guidance (About.com)

Divorce Rates Among Inter-Faith Marriages (ReligiousTolerance.org)