Intermarriage: Charting New Directions

"You can't be both!" The rabbi from the neighborhood shul sternly upbraided me after I had finished describing how my wife and I will one day raise our children in both the Jewish and Christian faith traditions. I felt the blood rise to my cheeks and the back of my neck became very hot. I never like being told what I can or can't do, especially when it has to do with something as personal as how my wife and I choose to raise our children. I was further upset because the premise for the gathering at the shul was held under the pretense of "interfaith dialogue". Instead, the evening was about the rabbi's desire to affirm non-Jewish matrimonial partners who had agreed with their Jewish spouses to raise their children in an exclusively Jewish household. Not my idea of interfaith.

In a way, though, it was hard to stay angry with him. After all, his job is to grow and sustain the Jewish community that worships at his shul. Encouraging his congregants to go out and baptize their children in the name of Jesus Christ is not the traditional way for rabbis to accomplish this. And his opinion is scarcely isolated within the world of religious Judaism. In many, if not most cases, the reaction to the growing intermarriage phenomenon by Jewish scholars, religious leaders and lay people is highly critical and denunciatory. My encounter with the neighborhood rabbi and the following comments posted by a rabbi on BeliefNet.com provide a good example of the types of fierce resistance that Jewish men and women encounter in response to the notion of marrying a non-Jew:

"I often ask Jewish men to think of the many Jewish women who need Jewish husbands. With so few Jewish men available to Jewish women anyway—Jewish men marry outside the faith at twice the rate of Jewish women—every time a Jewish man dates or marries a non-Jewish woman, it leaves another Jewish woman who will never find a Jewish husband.

"So you may ask, to paraphrase the Beatles, 'all those lonely (Jewish) people, where do they all come?' Well, a lot of them come from the paucity of Jewish spouses left because of high incidents of intermarriage."

It is a rare thing in life to hear an ordained member of the clergy invoke the Beatles as a means to laying down a serious guilt trip, so savor the memory of this moment. At any rate, this rabbi takes the kugel for chutzpah in my book. Nowhere in his column do his comments reflect any consideration for what it is the young man wants for himself. Marriage is seen mainly, primarily as a vessel through which the continuation of the Jewish people is ensured. The love between two human beings appears to be of secondary consideration.

Now, the purpose of this column is not to pick on Jewish rabbis, and the Catholic faith that I come from can be every bit as unbending in its insistence on orthodoxy of belief and practice. This includes choosing a marriage partner who at the very least will not impede one's ability to raise children in the Catholic faith. (Again, that theme: marriage as the primary vehicle for expanding and perpetuating an institution. Where's the love?). Now, on the one hand, I do have to say that the diocese where I live was very accommodating when I requested a dispensation to be married to a non-Catholic. I tip my hat to the priests who worked with me and my wife to secure Church permission to conduct a non-traditional marriage ceremony with the assistance of a Catholic priest. On the other hand, there are loads of über-Catholic Catholics who shudder to think that (a) there are people in the world who are not Catholic, and (b) worse yet, there are Catholics in the world who would (shudder) choose to marry a non-Catholic. You can read a sample of what I'm talking about by clicking here.

OK- then there is the subject of something that is referred to as the "Silent Holocaust". This term is used in reference to a handful of social and political topics, but the usage I'm referring to is when devout Jews ascribe this term to the high incidence of interfaith marriage. The contention is that Jews who would and should otherwise be marrying other Jews are thinning the overall worldwide Jewish population by marrying non-Jews. Thus, the contention is made that what Hitler and his evil legion of murderers and rapists could not achieve through violent acts of killing, interfaith couples are achieving quietly one wedding at a time.

I think I'll need to devote an entire other blog post to this particularly odious topic, as I've already said a great deal and this phrase stirs up very strong feelings inside of me. For now, suffice it to say that I am beyond offended that anyone would stoop so low as to even casually associate me and anyone else in an interfaith marriage to the vile and nefarious participants in Hitler's campaign of brutality and death. This association is beneath contempt. It maliciously slanders each person of good faith and character who is in an interfaith marriage, while at the same time carelessly cheapening the memory of those who perished under such mournful circumstances.

OK. 'Nuff said about that for now. As for decisions that are inevitably forced upon the members of any given interfaith marriage, I see the issue as breaking along the lines of the false choice of all or none. Judaism, Catholicism, and other organized religions teach that you're either "X" or you're not. In response to this I posit that our children will learn that they are Jewish and Irish, Greek and Czech. They will learn about the cultural and historical aspects of all of the heritage that they will inherit. They can be believers in Jesus Christ without following the path prescribed by the Catholic Church or any other, if that is what they choose. They'll learn that it is possible to be X, Y and Z. In an earlier post I quoted Buddhist monk Thich Naht Hahn on this very topict: "In Christianity, you have to believe in the resurrection or you are not considered a Christian. I am afraid this criterion may discourage some people from looking into the life of Jesus. This is a pity, because we can appreciate Jesus Christ as both an historical door and an ultimate door." Indeed.

There is more than one way to be, people. The birth of new ways obviously will challenge the old ways. But the challenge is one that encourages growth and understanding, not destruction. Interfaith marriage is not, should not be about squelching one's faith or cultural heritage. Interfaith marriage should stand as an example of inclusiveness and provide a window that offers a glimpse at new directions that faith institutions could be taking. I'll close with a quote from Fr. Walter H. Cuenin, a Catholic priest who penned a guest column on interfaith marriage for the Jewish family Web site InterfaithFamily.com (see the link below). I've never met the good father, but I couldn't agree more with what he has to say:

"It also seems to me that we need to appreciate the good that can come from interfaith marriages. In a strange sort of way these marriages do remind us that God's call for the human family transcends all religious boundaries. There is no religion that has the only path to God. While we find great benefit in our own faith traditions and want to see them passed on to future generations, no one tradition has an exclusive hold on God's attention. When people of radically different yet connected traditions marry, perhaps they are imaging a new way of viewing life. It may seem disconcerting, but could it not also be a call to greater religious harmony?"

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

A Catholic Priest's Perspective on Interfaith Marriage, by Rev. Walter H. Cuenin (InterfaithFamily.com)

Jewish Mother, Catholic Girlfriend, by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (BeliefNet.com)

"Jews to Intermarriage as Babies to Bathwater," by Tamar Fox (Jewcy.com, August 6, 2007)

Catholic Discussion Board (Greenspun.com)

"Chaplaincy Holds Panel on Interfaith Marriage." The Brandeis Hoot, February 9, 2007.

AmericanCatholic.org

J-Date.com

CatholicMatch.com

Intermarriage (Ohr.edu, September 17, 2005)

Silent Holocaust (Wikipedia.com)

The Interfaith Union

"On Assimilation and Intermarriage...Again." (NewZionist.com, July 7, 2005)