Ahead of the Interfaith Curve: Rabbi Michael P. Sternfield

Unkosher Jesus is a site that I launched for the purpose of discussing and exploring interfaith relationships, marriage and child rearing, among other topics. I've devoted at least a couple of posts specifically to topics of interfaith families and child rearing, and one of the obvious challenges I've described is the lack of religious clergy and institutions that specifically support couples and families who choose to structure a dual-faith household for themselves (as my wife and I have).

Enter Rabbi Michael Sternfield of the Chicago Sinai Congregation. I discovered the text of a sermon he delivered during Rosh Hoshanna in 2002 entitled, And The Two of Them Went Together. It is a beautiful piece of writing that escapes the bounds of mere prose and approaches poetic sublimity. In this one sermon Rabbi Sternfield succeeds in both defining and defending the notion of couples sharing a dual-faith household (specifically, Jewish-Christian in his example, but which can apply to any such dual-faith arrangement). It is also a miraculous statement, as it represents an enormous amount of bravery on the part of Rabbi Sternfield, who delivered this sound defense of interfaith marriage publicly, before his entire congregation at the outset of the High Holidays. I honestly cannot do sufficient justice to the beauty of Rabbi Sternfield's sermon, and would simply like to share an excerpt here.

Every year, many more Jews marry non-Jews than marry other Jews. The preponderance of interfaith marriages constitutes nothing less than a silent revolution, and Jewish life will never be the same. Most of the attention has centered on the belief that interfaith marriage is a threat to Jewish survival. I am in complete disagreement with this prognosis. My contention is that Judaism will not only survive; it will flourish if we learn how to deal with the phenomenon of interfaith marriage more creatively. However, we must not expect the nature of Jewish life to remain the same because it will not. A new Jewish/Christian amalgam has come into existence. It is being created by those born Jewish and those Christians who are married to Jews and who are bringing their own sensitivities and mind-set with them.

The conventional wisdom has it that one cannot be both Jewish and Christian. But, I must tell you that the conventional wisdom is at least partially in error. As much as the formal institutions of Jewish life push for a single resolution concerning religious identity, more and more interfaith couples are creating their own path. Dissatisfied with the answers they are receiving from the institutions of religion, there are many couples who are making a serious attempt to blend their heritages, some with remarkable success.

Could we say that this is a new religion in the making? I am not sure. What I do know is that there is a new religious community in the making, one that is increasingly diverse, wherein the old boundaries no longer exist. As in the fable of the Emperor's New Clothes, almost all of the Judaism wants to go on pretending that these kind of phenomena do not exist; that reconciling Christianity and Judaism is not possible. If we care to look, we will discover that this is not the case. They absolutely do exist, and we had better open our eyes.


I have never read, nor have I myself even written, anything that comes closer than this wonderful sermon to describing my own vision of how interfaith relationships can and should work. Rabbi Sternfield’s willingness to acknowledge and accept change as a given and as a good thing is very heartening. Rare is the member of the clergy from either Judaism or Christianity who is willing to state simply and clearly that there is nothing inherently unchangeable or “eternal” about religious observance and tradition. Between God and religious traditions, God is the only One that is eternal and unchanging. The rest… well, suffice it to say that I believe that it is good and proper for us to reexamine what we believe and how we practice, regardless of whether these have been represented as nothing less than decrees from God Himself. Judaism teaches that to be born a Jew is to inherit the faith heritage of your Jewish ancestors, which you are then obligated to uphold. Christianity proclaims the divine authority of Jesus Christ, simultaneously God and Man, through whom all of humanity must be saved in order to inherit eternal life. And so on. All absolutes. Worship Jesus, follow the Gospel and practice the rituals of Christianity-exclusively-in order to follow God’s will and inherit the Kingdom. Worship God, follow the Torah and practice the rituals and teachings of Judaism-exclusively-in order to follow God’s law (and maybe or maybe not inherit the Kingdom, but that’s not really the point of Judaism).


Making room for combined ways of expressing belief and practicing faith traditions means being open to re-examining these beliefs, to changing these very traditions, if not what they stand for. As challenging as this is for most people to do, in the end I feel that the interfaith approach does more to affirm our humanity than restricting belief and practice to one religion. I know that the approach I advocate will strike many as relativist, but I am a believer in few absolutes. That God is One is one of these. That human beings are created to love and serve one another in justice and mercy is another. I don't see how interfaith relationships and religious observances and practices violate either of these. I'm glad to know that Rabbi Sternfield feels the same way, and moreover has the courage to say so out loud. In the simple and profound words of his colleague Rabbi Harold Schulweis, “Things change. People change... Institutions change. Doctrines change.” Amen, Rabbi. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

Taking "Yes" For an Answer, by Rabbi Michael Sternfield (InterfaithUnion.org)

The Interfaith Union (Chicago, IL)

The Best Gift for Your Unborn Children, by Rabbi Julie Greenberg (InterfaithFamily.com, July 24, 2007)

Rabbi Arthur Blecher, The Unorthodox Rabbi

Interfaith Approach to Forgiving Trespass, by Julie Galambush (The New York Times, January 1, 2007)

Interfaith Marriage and Families (UnkosherJesus.com, May 20, 2007)

Religious Americans: My Faith Isn't the Only Way (MSNBC.com, June 23, 2008)

Bishop John Shelby Spong (Beliefnet.com)

The New Seminary (New York, NY)

The Chaplaincy Institute (Berkeley, CA)

Arthur Blecher and The New American Judaism

DID YOU KNOW?...

• The American Jewish community is in imminent danger of extinction?
• Judaism, as it is practiced today, is a religious faith tradition that extends back 4,000 years?
• The shtetl of Old World Europe was an idyllic Jewish utopia of shared faith practices, community values and ethnic pride?
• The Jewish people and Judaism as a faith tradition have never entertained any supernatural notions such as angels, demons, Heaven and Hell the way that Christians and others do.
• American Jewish denominations are authoritative forms of Judaism?
• Rabbis are the official leaders of Jewish congregations, as they have been throughout Jewish history?

If you know or otherwise believe these statements, it is likely that you are an American Jew, and even more likely that you are an observant American Jew who is a member in good standing of an Orthodox, Conservative, Reform or Reconstructionist synagogue. If you know or otherwise believe these statements, it is less likely, but still possible, that you are a non-Jew who is still familiar with these statements and accept them as fact. Both of you have one thing in common: you have been on the receiving end of an intensive campaign conceived of and executed by the mainstream Jewish denominations to motivate American Jews to strictly adhere to traditional Jewish practices. Oh, and you have one other thing in common: you're both wrong to believe that any of these six statements is a truthful representation of fact.

This is the central premise of Rabbi Arthur Blecher's new book, The New American Judaism: The Way Forward on Challenging Issues from Intermarriage to Jewish Identity. His book is an revolutionary thunderbolt, issued as a direct challenge to the authority of American denominational Judaism, for it strives to expand the ways in which Jewish identity can be expressed and seeks to bestow full Jewish status upon intermarried and other apostate Jews.

As a rabbi and psychotherapist, Rabbi Blecher (aka, "The Unorthodox Rabbi") has had the opportunity to interact with and counsel many interfaith couples in Washington, DC over the past twenty-five years. Because the choice to marry a non-Jew is actively discouraged by denominational Judaism, Rabbi Blecher has also been called upon to provide counsel to Jewish parents whose children had chosen a non-Jewish spouse and for which they were experience intense emotions of conflict and guilt. He relates one such interaction with distraught parents whose rabbi had recently delivered a sermon excoriating the choice to intermarry:

"There is nothing unusual about a rabbi using guilt and fear to promote attendance at services and classes. Clerics do this sort of thing all the time, and so have I. But when a rabbi invokes the Holocaust- that is pulling out the heavy artillery. Here in my office was the same pattern I have seen in almost everything I have read in English about the Jewish religion. We were talking about Judaism in terms of continuity, authenticity and survival. As I looked at the faces and postures of this couple, as I listened to the intonations of their voices, I instinctively knew that something is amiss with how my colleagues and I go about our jobs as religious leaders. How can a community thrive based upon a discourse of anxiety and guilt and on members who feel defeated and hopeless?"

This insight sparked Rabbi Blecher's journey to re-examine what he himself had once considered to be true about American Judaism and to re-evaluate these beliefs in light of the fact that the American Jewish population is far more diverse than the mainstream denominations are willing to allow or even acknowledge. Blecher sees an American Jewish community that has organized itself around principles that applied to the trauma of displacement experienced by Jewish immigrant communities of the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, but which no longer have any utility for modern American Jews. The organizing principles of Authenticity, Continuity and Survival became the cornerstones of American Judaism, and have remained firmly entrenched within the community's organizational bedrock, unchallenged by anyone in a position of leadership.

Until now. Rabbi Blecher's empathy for intermarried Jews and the anguish they experience has spurred him to examine and directly challenge what he labels as the one Great Myth of American Judaism: "intermarriage is an enemy destroying the Jewish people." The Great Myth of the Evil of Intermarriage has grown out of six separate myths, which he meticulously deconstructs. A cursory synopsis of this deconstruction is provided below:

Myth #1: American Judaism is Teetering On Extinction
"The myth that Judaism and Jewish identity are endangered in America was born from the trauma of cultural dislocation a century ago. The myth lives on in part because Jewish institutions believe they are essential to the preservation of Judaism in America; and the greater the peril, the more important their role."

In this one sentence, Blecher takes direct aim at scare-mongering as a self-serving tactic used on a daily basis by denominational Judaism. It is a tactic that does not hold up under close scrutiny. Using select statistics, as represented by the National Jewish Population Survey (NJPS), denominational leaders can certainly give the impression that Jewish numbers are declining in America. The 2000-2001 NJPS Report put the American Jewish population at 5.2 million, a decline from its 1990 finding of 5.5 million.

Myth-Buster: Rabbi Blecher counters that the NJPS under-counts Jewish Americans by relying exclusively upon denominational affiliation and a rigid definition of who "counts" as Jewish. As Blecher states, "Jewishness is happening in new places that do not fit the old categories." These include partial Jews raised in interfaith households, people who still claim a Jewish identity even if the American Jewish denominations will not claim them. It also includes virtual online Jewish communities and information centers such as:

• Ladino Komunita

• The Jewish Encyclopedia

• A Torah Infertility Medium of Exchange (ATIME.org)

Myth #2: Judaism is a 4,000 Year-Old Religion
American Rabbis worked to reassure immigrant Jews that the forms and practices of American Judaism are grounded in those stretching back to the dawn of Jewish civilization. Such reassurances enabled and enables the American rabbinate to offer a liturgical product that provides both Continuity and Authenticity, the cornerstones of the Jewish fortress of Survival.

Myth-Buster: Not quite, says Rabbi Blecher. Throughout its history, Judaism and its practice has gone through important transformations from within, oftentimes in response to influences from outside the Jewish community. For starters, he is able to delineate the epochal events that would transform the Judaism that followed each of these:

• The first Kingdom until the Babylonian conquest of Judea in 586 BCE: practices such as shabbat dinner and lighting candles came into existence during the exile period.
• The return from exile and the second kingdom through the year 70 of the Common Era.
• The era of rabbinic academies (rabbinic Judaism), which lasted until the Middle Ages.
• Diaspora Judaism, which was centered primarily in Eastern Europe, and which lasted until the era of Denominational Judaism, which commenced in the twentieth century United States.
  

Jewish civilization has seen many different iterations of itself throughout its 4,000 year history. The Judaism that is practiced today is not the Judaism of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and the Hebrew Prophets. And that's OK.

Myth #3: The Shtetl = Jewish Paradise Lost
Twentieth century America Jewish leaders have mythologized the Old World village known affectionately as the shtetl. At least it is known affectionately by those who have never had to live in a shtetl. The word shtetl is innocuous enough: it means "town" in Yiddish. As a word, though, it carries a great deal of symbolic and nostalgic weight among Jews who idealize what it represents. In the popular literature on the subject, the shtetl is held up as an idyllic, timeless community of Jews who live in perfect harmony, each knowing his or her role in the community, all bonded by their adherence to Orthodox Jewish rituals and practices. Blecher quotes from The Earth is the Lord's: The Inner World of the Jew in Eastern Europe, written in 1949 by theologian Abraham Joshua Heschel:

But the Jews all sang: the student over the Talmud, the tailor while sewing a pair of trousers, the cobbler while mending tattered shoes, and the preacher while delivering a sermon... The stomachs were empty, the houses were barren, but the minds were crammed with the riches of Torah... Mothers at the cradle crooned: "My little child, close your eyes; if God will, you'll be a rabbi"... (p. 77).

Tevye sings "Tradition" (Fiddler on the Roof)


Myth-Buster: "Writers who idealize the shtetl are highly selective in what they talk about. Their descriptions of the devout husbands and their devoted, long-suffering wives are amplified by intense nostalgia, in contrast to their silence about the other Jews who lived in the shtetl (p. 83)." These "other Jews" included adults who did not marry, married adults without children or who had divorced, homosexual members of the community, and others who lives did not conform with the rigid expectations of Orthodoxy in an enclosed community (which, by the way, was not always so enclosed or even small). The propagation of this myth causes American Jews to idealize and pine for a community that did not actually exist. This in turn gives rise to the unreasonable expectation that such a community could and should exist here in the United States.

Myth #4: Jews Have Always Been a Reasonable, Rational People, Traits That Have Always Been Reflected in Judaism
Modern Judaism does not teach the belief in Heaven or Hell, or in supernatural beings such as angels and demons, or even a Devil. However, modern Jews are led to believe that it was ever thus, as this notion of historic Judaism was in keeping with the rationalist bent of the founders of denominational Judaism. In order for rationality and reason to be accepted as contributing to Continuity and Authenticity, it became necessary to whitewash certain supernatural elements from Jewish history.

Myth-Buster: The need to "protect" American Jews from the fact that their forebears held supernatural beliefs does not exist now, if it ever did. Rabbi Blecher proposes a four-step plan to shed this habit and set the record straight by simply explaining that:

• Jews used to believe in Heaven and Hell, but they no longer do.
• Jews used to believe in Satan, but they no longer do.
• Jews used to believe in magic and divination, but they no longer do.
• American Judaism prefers to understand the world rationally and scientifically. (p. 117)
  

Myth #5: American Jewish Denominations are Authoritative Forms of Judaism
The four American Jewish denominations- Orthodox, Conservative, Reform and Reconstructionist- are the authoritative versions of Jewish practice. Smaller, independent communities and fellowships such as minyans, havurot, the Society for Humanistic Judaism and others are merely offshoots of the main four branches.

Myth-Buster: While it is in the best interests of the four principal denominations to be seen and thought of as Judaism's authoritative forms, the fact is that all four of these do not meet the needs of partial/duel-identity Jews and intermarried Jews. For starters, none of the denominations will acknowledge the Jewish identity of any such congregant (and will simultaneously decry the "shrinking" Jewish population). Congregants who are partial/duel-identity Jews and those who are married to a non-Jewish spouse are provided with limited services and status at best. The "purity" model of denominational Judaism does not work in a world where more and more Jews are marrying non-Jews and/or pursuing an interest in other faith traditions in addition to his or her original Jewish heritage. It is not realistic. And those who need Judaic forms that are realistic are looking elsewhere.

Myth #6: Rabbis are the Official Leaders of Jewish Congregations
"Today every Jewish denomination assumes that each of its member congregations is led by one of the denomination's rabbis, and conversely, Americans assume that every rabbi has a congregation. Thus denominational congregations are 'rabbi-centric.'" (p. 149)

Myth-Buster: "This is a radical departure from Old World Jewish practice where the rabbi was not necessarily associated with a congregation, and not every synagogue had a rabbi. The functions of the synagogue and the duties of the rabbi were independent of each other; communities had their rabbis, and communities had their synagogues." (p. 149)

Again, each denominational organization controls their member synagogues to the extent that each rabbi who is considered for a position must be capable of demonstrating fealty to all of the teachings of the denomination- he or she is not an independent actor, as had been the case for rabbis during the centuries leading up to denominational Judaism. This, Blecher contends, is harmful to Jewish congregants, and thus harmful to Judaism itself:

"The harm is that when rabbis- whether by intention or by instinct- make inaccurate claims about the historical facts of Jewish civilization, we undermine our own position in the community. Our ability to serve new generations of American Jews requires us to give up our claims to ancient authority and to accept the fact that our professional role is a modern American creation." (pp. 160-161)

Having exhaustively researched and deconstructed these myths, Blecher's work sets its sights upon building a new American Judaism. Intermarriage is the one important issue at the heart of this goal, as Blecher sees Judaism's response to this phenomenon as critical to the success of any such endeavor. Currently, in order for an intermarried couple to be recognized by their denomination, the non-Jewish partner must at least agree to help raise the couple's children in an exclusively Jewish home, if not convert to Judaism outright. But Blecher cites data that show that at least 30 percent of intermarried couples do in fact raise their children exclusively as Jews, sometimes regardless of whether the non-Jewish spouse convert to Judaism or not.

However, his larger point is that it is completely good and valid to acknowledge the Jewish identity of any Jewish child being raised under different circumstances, in homes that are not exclusively Jewish. American Jewish denominations are completely closing the door on couples and their children for choices that are made today, thus forever forfeiting the benefits they might have accrued from decisions made later in life- for a duel-identity Jew to fully identify as Jewish, for a non-Jewish spouse to convert. The current denominational modus operandi denigrates the choices made by people with mixed-Jewish ancestry. To the extent that they choose to identify as Jewish, Blecher contends that the denominations should encourage this decision rather than cast someone out of the community for being less than 100 percent Jewish.

I have written on the topic of interfaith and duel identity issues here, here and here. In one of the posts I wrote, "It is no irreverence or betrayal to participate fully in the rituals and sacraments of faith traditions different than one's own. Quite to the contrary, Buddhist monk and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh sees this as a means to deepening and strengthening one's own spirituality. Exploring the truths taught by many faiths and partaking of the rituals and teachings of other faith traditions s a way of honoring the best values of one's own faith tradition." As such, I truly value Rabbi Blecher's message of expanding the meaning of identity and appreciate the courage it took for him to publish a book that directly challenges the foundational assumptions of the majority of his Jewish contemporaries. The New American Judaism is a rich resource for both the Jewish and the interfaith community, and reverberates with a message of hope and optimism for interfaith couples and other non-traditional Jews.

His work will likely be received with hostility and suspicion by American Jews who remain deeply invested in the perpetuation of the myths he outlines in his book. For those with an open mind, though, The New American Judaism could and should be viewed as a work of creative destruction, an opportunity for American Jews to re-examine those beliefs they hold to be near and true as a means to enriching and strengthening Jewish civilization, to expanding the meaning of identity and community:

"Disassembling myths removes their power to generate apprehension and despair. At the same time, myths endow life with meaning. I believe that recognizing myths for what they are does not diminish their power to capture the imagination or enliven the soul; rather, it provides a way forward. I have written this book with the firm conviction that clearing away myths will reveal a new American Jewish religion whose vitality and diversity far exceed the ability of any institution to contain or any rabbi to define. I offer these pages in the hope they will serve as the beginning of a conversation." So, let's talk. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

Question What You Know about Judaism


The New American Judaism (Amazon.com)

Intermarry and be merry, by Rabbi Arthur Blecher (The Baltimore Sun, December 12, 2007)

"Noah More!" by Ed Case (InterfaithFamily.com, August 9, 2007)

A Positive Response to Intermarriage (Rabbi Mark Goldsmith, Liberal Judaism.org, October 2004)

Jewcy.com

The Half-Jewish Network

Am I a Person or Am I a Jew? (Jewish Atheist blog, July 30, 2007)

Jew vs. Jew (SamuelFreedman.com)

"The Social Disability of the Jew," by Edwin J. Kuh (The Atlantic Monthly, April 1908, TheAtlantic.com)

I-Heart-Shiksas t-shirt (BustedTees.com)

Intermarriage: Charting New Directions

"You can't be both!" The rabbi from the neighborhood shul sternly upbraided me after I had finished describing how my wife and I will one day raise our children in both the Jewish and Christian faith traditions. I felt the blood rise to my cheeks and the back of my neck became very hot. I never like being told what I can or can't do, especially when it has to do with something as personal as how my wife and I choose to raise our children. I was further upset because the premise for the gathering at the shul was held under the pretense of "interfaith dialogue". Instead, the evening was about the rabbi's desire to affirm non-Jewish matrimonial partners who had agreed with their Jewish spouses to raise their children in an exclusively Jewish household. Not my idea of interfaith.

In a way, though, it was hard to stay angry with him. After all, his job is to grow and sustain the Jewish community that worships at his shul. Encouraging his congregants to go out and baptize their children in the name of Jesus Christ is not the traditional way for rabbis to accomplish this. And his opinion is scarcely isolated within the world of religious Judaism. In many, if not most cases, the reaction to the growing intermarriage phenomenon by Jewish scholars, religious leaders and lay people is highly critical and denunciatory. My encounter with the neighborhood rabbi and the following comments posted by a rabbi on BeliefNet.com provide a good example of the types of fierce resistance that Jewish men and women encounter in response to the notion of marrying a non-Jew:

"I often ask Jewish men to think of the many Jewish women who need Jewish husbands. With so few Jewish men available to Jewish women anyway—Jewish men marry outside the faith at twice the rate of Jewish women—every time a Jewish man dates or marries a non-Jewish woman, it leaves another Jewish woman who will never find a Jewish husband.

"So you may ask, to paraphrase the Beatles, 'all those lonely (Jewish) people, where do they all come?' Well, a lot of them come from the paucity of Jewish spouses left because of high incidents of intermarriage."

It is a rare thing in life to hear an ordained member of the clergy invoke the Beatles as a means to laying down a serious guilt trip, so savor the memory of this moment. At any rate, this rabbi takes the kugel for chutzpah in my book. Nowhere in his column do his comments reflect any consideration for what it is the young man wants for himself. Marriage is seen mainly, primarily as a vessel through which the continuation of the Jewish people is ensured. The love between two human beings appears to be of secondary consideration.

Now, the purpose of this column is not to pick on Jewish rabbis, and the Catholic faith that I come from can be every bit as unbending in its insistence on orthodoxy of belief and practice. This includes choosing a marriage partner who at the very least will not impede one's ability to raise children in the Catholic faith. (Again, that theme: marriage as the primary vehicle for expanding and perpetuating an institution. Where's the love?). Now, on the one hand, I do have to say that the diocese where I live was very accommodating when I requested a dispensation to be married to a non-Catholic. I tip my hat to the priests who worked with me and my wife to secure Church permission to conduct a non-traditional marriage ceremony with the assistance of a Catholic priest. On the other hand, there are loads of über-Catholic Catholics who shudder to think that (a) there are people in the world who are not Catholic, and (b) worse yet, there are Catholics in the world who would (shudder) choose to marry a non-Catholic. You can read a sample of what I'm talking about by clicking here.

OK- then there is the subject of something that is referred to as the "Silent Holocaust". This term is used in reference to a handful of social and political topics, but the usage I'm referring to is when devout Jews ascribe this term to the high incidence of interfaith marriage. The contention is that Jews who would and should otherwise be marrying other Jews are thinning the overall worldwide Jewish population by marrying non-Jews. Thus, the contention is made that what Hitler and his evil legion of murderers and rapists could not achieve through violent acts of killing, interfaith couples are achieving quietly one wedding at a time.

I think I'll need to devote an entire other blog post to this particularly odious topic, as I've already said a great deal and this phrase stirs up very strong feelings inside of me. For now, suffice it to say that I am beyond offended that anyone would stoop so low as to even casually associate me and anyone else in an interfaith marriage to the vile and nefarious participants in Hitler's campaign of brutality and death. This association is beneath contempt. It maliciously slanders each person of good faith and character who is in an interfaith marriage, while at the same time carelessly cheapening the memory of those who perished under such mournful circumstances.

OK. 'Nuff said about that for now. As for decisions that are inevitably forced upon the members of any given interfaith marriage, I see the issue as breaking along the lines of the false choice of all or none. Judaism, Catholicism, and other organized religions teach that you're either "X" or you're not. In response to this I posit that our children will learn that they are Jewish and Irish, Greek and Czech. They will learn about the cultural and historical aspects of all of the heritage that they will inherit. They can be believers in Jesus Christ without following the path prescribed by the Catholic Church or any other, if that is what they choose. They'll learn that it is possible to be X, Y and Z. In an earlier post I quoted Buddhist monk Thich Naht Hahn on this very topict: "In Christianity, you have to believe in the resurrection or you are not considered a Christian. I am afraid this criterion may discourage some people from looking into the life of Jesus. This is a pity, because we can appreciate Jesus Christ as both an historical door and an ultimate door." Indeed.

There is more than one way to be, people. The birth of new ways obviously will challenge the old ways. But the challenge is one that encourages growth and understanding, not destruction. Interfaith marriage is not, should not be about squelching one's faith or cultural heritage. Interfaith marriage should stand as an example of inclusiveness and provide a window that offers a glimpse at new directions that faith institutions could be taking. I'll close with a quote from Fr. Walter H. Cuenin, a Catholic priest who penned a guest column on interfaith marriage for the Jewish family Web site InterfaithFamily.com (see the link below). I've never met the good father, but I couldn't agree more with what he has to say:

"It also seems to me that we need to appreciate the good that can come from interfaith marriages. In a strange sort of way these marriages do remind us that God's call for the human family transcends all religious boundaries. There is no religion that has the only path to God. While we find great benefit in our own faith traditions and want to see them passed on to future generations, no one tradition has an exclusive hold on God's attention. When people of radically different yet connected traditions marry, perhaps they are imaging a new way of viewing life. It may seem disconcerting, but could it not also be a call to greater religious harmony?"

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

A Catholic Priest's Perspective on Interfaith Marriage, by Rev. Walter H. Cuenin (InterfaithFamily.com)

Jewish Mother, Catholic Girlfriend, by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (BeliefNet.com)

"Jews to Intermarriage as Babies to Bathwater," by Tamar Fox (Jewcy.com, August 6, 2007)

Catholic Discussion Board (Greenspun.com)

"Chaplaincy Holds Panel on Interfaith Marriage." The Brandeis Hoot, February 9, 2007.

AmericanCatholic.org

J-Date.com

CatholicMatch.com

Intermarriage (Ohr.edu, September 17, 2005)

Silent Holocaust (Wikipedia.com)

The Interfaith Union

"On Assimilation and Intermarriage...Again." (NewZionist.com, July 7, 2005)

I Did It My Way...

Frank Sinatra: My Way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

When I first started blogging on the topic of interfaith relationships, religion, dogma, etc., never did I envision quoting the late great Frank Sinatra as a means to illustrating a given point I might try to make. But, the lyrics to My Way nicely summarize a lot of what I've been experiencing emotionally and intellectually the further down the interfaith path I travel and particularly as I contemplate what it is I want for my household and, someday, for my children. Let me try and explain...

In the opening post on Unkosher Jesus, I described myself as "as the Catholic half of a Jewish-Catholic marriage." This is technically true, as I was raised, baptized and confirmed as a Roman Catholic. Yet in a recent post ("Equal and Opposite Reactions", 09/11/2007), I responded to a reader's posted comment in part by saying that "I do not look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." The reader responded with both editorial commentary but also with a question that I feel requires serious reflection if I in fact take my approach to an interfaith lifestyle seriously:

"It is truly sad that you don't "look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." Exactly what do you, as the Catholic half of an interfaith marriage, look to the Church for then? It seems ludicrous that you would call yourself a Catholic and not care what she says concerning moral matters."

So, what kind of a Catholic am I? How can I call myself a Catholic if I have married someone who is not Catholic, and with whom I do not intend to raise Catholic children? Well, maybe it's time I simply made peace with the fact that I am more than a lapsed Catholic. Maybe a better term for someone like me is Existential Christian, as I feel like I have left the old, familiar ways of worship and belief, but have not yet arrived at my new home. I know that I want my family's home to have room for God in at least two different fashions, one Jewish and one Christian. I know that I want our children to be affirmed in the heritage that they will inherit from both of us, Jewish and Christian, Greek, Irish and Czech. I believe that the reality of God is bigger than the teachings and beliefs of any one religion.

In fact, I find myself gravitating to the writings of Episcopalian Bishop John Shelby Spong, who asserts that humanity's theistic conceptualization of God is both false and unnecessarily limits our ability to know and honor God. In his 2001 book "A New Christianity for a New World", Spong describes God not as the Author of Being but as the Ground of All Being: "God is Being- the reality underlying everything that is. To worship God you must be willing to risk all, abandoning your defenses and your self-imposed or culturally constructed security systems. If God is the Ground of Being, you worship this divine reality by having the courage to be all that you can be- your deepest, fullest self." Spong's writing echoes an earlier work by Carl Jung, The Undiscovered Self, where Jung writes: "Christianity holds up before us a symbol whose content is the individual way of life of a man, the Son of Man, and that it even regards this individuation process as the incarnation and revelation of God himself."

Being an individualist can be lonely at times, and ultimately a community of worshippers is going to have to consist of more than one person. I have not yet been to a Unitarian church service, and perhaps this would serve as a suitable option. In any event, I am more and more inclined to find my beliefs resonating with those of Bishop Spong and Jung. I see the act of becoming as holy, and that by helping to enable others to become their full selves I am performing a holy task. I will continue to hold to my belief in inclusiveness and togetherness, even where this means a departure from established traditions and practices, and the need to develop creative alternatives.

I'll close with a quote from a reader who posted a comment in response to an earlier blog entry on interfaith families:

"I was thrilled to find this blog. I am Jewish, my husband Catholic, and we are raising our children as both. We had a civil ceremony and had the marriage 'blessed' by a priest in a local church because it was important to my husband. We did not agree to baptize our children or perform any traditional rite. A Rabbi and a Priest performed a welcoming ceremony for both our boys. In this day and age when so much hatred abounds, I would think children are loved brought up to love god in ANY way, and who are taught to understand and appreciate the different ways to pray are gonna be good kids. No baptism or bris will make them better people. And who cares what any religious institution's views is? If it's important to you to receive baptism then fine, have your kids baptized. My kids are doing just fine without it."

My point exactly. When my wife and I were married, it was a religious ceremony that was co-presided over by both a rabbi and a Catholic priest. However, the vows we exchanged were of Pagan origin, Druid to be specific. In this fashion we were able to avoid pledging allegiance to anyone but each other, before God and our family and friends.

Druid wedding vows:

You cannot posses me for I belong to myself.
But because we both wish it, I give you all that is mine to give.

You cannot command me for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you with all of my heart and with all of my love.

I pledge to you that yours will be the name held in my heart each night,
and yours shall be the eyes into which I smile at the start of each day.

I will tell no strangers our grievances or troubles.

I pledge to you all that is mine in my living and my dying, equally in your care.

This is my wedding vow to you, a promise made to my dearest love and greatest friend.

This is a marriage of equals.

We did it our way. We will continue to search for ways to express the presence of God in our home that are right for us, making room for each other's cultural and religious practices. We're glad to know that there are others out there journeying along a similar path. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

"More Couples Choose to Wed Their Way." Washington Post, July 2, 2006

John Shelby Spong.com

Questions and Answers About Raising a Child in a Multi-Religious Family, by Racheline Maltese (AssociatedContent.com, June 6, 2006)

Religion, the Undiscovered Self and the Future (Metareligion.com)

Welcome to Unkosher Jesus!

Unkosher Jesus is the fruit of my musings as the Catholic half of a Jewish-Catholic marriage. We live in the metropolitan Washington, DC area where the rate of intermarriage among Jews and Christians is apparently much higher than in most other parts of the US. Each interfaith relationship is unique and has its own issues and challenges, but for all interfaith couples there are a special set of challenges that come in addition to the pressures any couple typically endures. There are challenges over different faith traditions, challenges over no faith tradition, challenges having to do with figuring out what faith to raise children (if any). And of course, throughout all of it there is the continuing challenge of dealing with the expectations of parents, other family members and religious institutions that have their own expectations as to how our relationships ought to be run.

Unkosher Jesus has been launched to provide a place where anyone who is a member of an interfaith relationship or is simply interested in the interfaith experience can post their thoughts, concerns, insights, and read those of others as well. It is a place where we can explore our shared religious faith traditions while challenging these to remember what their intended purpose is in first place- to create communities where people can grow closer to God by treating other human beings with mercy, compassion and justice. Unkosher Jesus is a place where we can support and even challenge each other as members of the greater interfaith community. It is also a place to discuss current events as these intersect with matters of faith, religion, family and relationships.

My faith heritage and that of my wife's each share the same monotheistic roots, but as a blog Unkosher Jesus does not restrict itself to that point of view. It will strive to reflect and promote the belief that while the world is home to many different countries and cultures, traditions and religions, we are all members of one human race. Unkosher Jesus readers will have the opportunity to comment on each post. Inappropriate comments will be removed- each reader is welcome to state his or her disagreement with the contents of any particular post, even strongly, but please do so respectfully and in the spirit of advancing, not halting, any given discussion. Also, as religion and faith issues often intersect with issues of politics and culture, Unkosher Jesus will usually have something to say about these as well. I hope you do, too.

For those interested in submitting an entry to be posted on Unkosher Jesus, you are invited to please send your submissions to unkosherjesus@gmail.com. There is no prerequisite that prospective authors/commentators be the member of any particular faith, or any faith at all. Readers are invited to submit posts that speak to any variety of issues and current events as these relate to their own interfaith relationships and experiences, including comments and perspectives reflecting your own specific faith tradition. All posts will be published anonymously, unless the author provides Unkosher Jesus with permission to post his or her name. This will typically include the author's first name and the first initial of his or her last name. No one's contact information will be included with any post.

Again, thank you for logging onto Unkosher Jesus! Without further adieu, let the conversation begin...