Free To Be You and Me (and Us)

Interfaith people- couples, families- we're special. Sure, we don't like to crow about it, but let's face it- we made some unique and bold choices to be in the relationships we're in. We like breaking new ground. For the most part we come from families who were expecting to pass on familiar traditions, religious and cultural, for us to in turn pass on to our own children. Instead, we have broken the link in the chain of traditional purity, eschewing orthodoxy in order to pursue something else that spoke to us. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I think it's safe to generally say that for those of us in interfaith relationships we saw, and see, value in relationships that transcend theology and dogma. I am personally very happy to see Christians and Jews dating and marrying in greater numbers. I think that there is real power in current generations of young people refusing to perpetuate ancient animosities and hurts, refusing to see either religion as flawed or "less than", refusing to let differences in religious heritage and upbringing to stand in the way of a loving human relationship.

However... the tug of tradition and familial ties is strong. We may be perfectly happy in our interfaith relationship, and still feel the pang of longing for something more familiar and comforting. At the same time we are confronted with the question of identity: Who are you? If I am no longer intending to raise my children in the Catholic tradition, what exactly is my plan? Who or what am I? If I don't want them to be exclusively Jewish either, what alternative do I propose? Who will they be? I could ask the rabbi at the neighborhood synagogue to split the difference- throw in some Gospel readings every so often, but don't worry about serving communion. Or maybe the neighborhood parish priest wouldn't mind reciting the Sh'ma at the beginning of Mass and adding a Torah reading to the service. Right. I'm sure I'd get real far with either of these.

Nor should I. I mean, I made the choice to pursue a non-traditional life path as far as faith and religion are concerned. There's nothing about my right to make that choice that obligates traditional faith communities to rearrange themselves to accommodate what I am looking for. That's on me. That's on us.

The Good News (technically not the Gospel variety, but obviously related) is that we are not alone, neither in our choice to marry outside of our respective faiths, nor in our pursuit of worship space and worship experience that does combine various aspects of our traditions. A wonderful example of this pluralistic approach in action is The New Seminary in New York City. The seminary's motto is, "Never instead of, always in addition to." The basic approach of the seminary appears to be one of teaching respect and reverence for all religions as legitimate paths to God. Seminarians are not asked to convert to a faith that is not their own, or to otherwise leave the faith they were raised in in order to enroll. The seminary is not about creating a pan-religion amalgam that homogenizes all religions into one mega-faith. Instead, the New Seminary simply refuses to demand that seminarians make the false choice between this or that faith, or to otherwise see more value in one faith and less value or "truth" in all others. The seminary states that "We believe that it is not the form of religious practice that is important, but the spiritual intent that underlies it. We recognize that God is in all things and in ALL people." And as I wrote in an earlier post, "it is no irreverence or betrayal to participate fully in the rituals and sacraments of faith traditions different than one's own."

The work of the New Seminary should be celebrated and applauded by those of us in interfaith relationships. The most threatening aspect of our relationships, to religious institutions, to family members, and even to ourselves sometimes, is the fear that nothing of our faith traditions and heritage will be passed on to our children because we're too busy dancing around the notion that you can only be Jewish, Christian, Muslim, or whatever other faith, but you cannot be both. For what it's worth, I'm with the New Seminary on this one- yes, you can.

Free to Be You and Me (Title Track)

Bottom Line: Who are we? I believe that as interfaith couples we are called to be trail blazers and examples to the wider community. We are called to move beyond the fear-driven false choice of either/or. Self-segregating ourselves within our traditional faith communities has obviously not resulted in a more harmonious worldwide human community. To demonstrate that we have the courage of our convictions we need to see the value in truly interfaith worship, in forging new paths towards being "both" in our respective households.

Yes, our respective faith traditions are beautiful and have their own unique character and history. However, this only has real value as far as our families and communities are concerned when we demonstrate how our unique faith and cultural heritages can also make room in our homes for our spouses traditions as well. We celebrate our spouses' traditions not instead of our own, but in addition to these. In doing so we serve as role models of peace, humility and respect for our children and for society in general. We keep what is good and beautiful about our traditions leaving behind the tendency to use these as an excuse to keep ourselves separate from others who are different. "Never instead of, always in addition to." Shalom.

-Doug L.

The Who: Who Are You?


FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

On Interfaith, by Rabbi Roger Moss (NewSeminary.org)

Bad Girl's Guide: Inter-Faith Relationships (Vixentales.blogspot.com, September 13, 2007)

Am I a Person or a Jew? (Jewish Atheist blog, July 30, 2007)

Questions and Answers About Raising a Child in a Multi-Religious Family, by Racheline Maltese (Associated Content.com, June 6, 2006)

Debating The Year of Living Biblically (Slate.com)

Interfaith Observations, Pt. 1 (Way Is Vast blog, October 10, 2007)

"Faith space opens: Old Union facility promotes interfaith worship." (The Stanford Daily, October 9, 2007)

How Does God Speak in Interfaith America? (Mainstream Baptist blog, October 8, 2007)

God Big Enough to Embrace All, by Bishop John Shelby Spong (Washington Post On Faith, April 13, 2007)

The Center for Progressive Christianity

Tikkun Magazine

Network of Spiritual Progressives

I Did It My Way...

Frank Sinatra: My Way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

When I first started blogging on the topic of interfaith relationships, religion, dogma, etc., never did I envision quoting the late great Frank Sinatra as a means to illustrating a given point I might try to make. But, the lyrics to My Way nicely summarize a lot of what I've been experiencing emotionally and intellectually the further down the interfaith path I travel and particularly as I contemplate what it is I want for my household and, someday, for my children. Let me try and explain...

In the opening post on Unkosher Jesus, I described myself as "as the Catholic half of a Jewish-Catholic marriage." This is technically true, as I was raised, baptized and confirmed as a Roman Catholic. Yet in a recent post ("Equal and Opposite Reactions", 09/11/2007), I responded to a reader's posted comment in part by saying that "I do not look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." The reader responded with both editorial commentary but also with a question that I feel requires serious reflection if I in fact take my approach to an interfaith lifestyle seriously:

"It is truly sad that you don't "look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." Exactly what do you, as the Catholic half of an interfaith marriage, look to the Church for then? It seems ludicrous that you would call yourself a Catholic and not care what she says concerning moral matters."

So, what kind of a Catholic am I? How can I call myself a Catholic if I have married someone who is not Catholic, and with whom I do not intend to raise Catholic children? Well, maybe it's time I simply made peace with the fact that I am more than a lapsed Catholic. Maybe a better term for someone like me is Existential Christian, as I feel like I have left the old, familiar ways of worship and belief, but have not yet arrived at my new home. I know that I want my family's home to have room for God in at least two different fashions, one Jewish and one Christian. I know that I want our children to be affirmed in the heritage that they will inherit from both of us, Jewish and Christian, Greek, Irish and Czech. I believe that the reality of God is bigger than the teachings and beliefs of any one religion.

In fact, I find myself gravitating to the writings of Episcopalian Bishop John Shelby Spong, who asserts that humanity's theistic conceptualization of God is both false and unnecessarily limits our ability to know and honor God. In his 2001 book "A New Christianity for a New World", Spong describes God not as the Author of Being but as the Ground of All Being: "God is Being- the reality underlying everything that is. To worship God you must be willing to risk all, abandoning your defenses and your self-imposed or culturally constructed security systems. If God is the Ground of Being, you worship this divine reality by having the courage to be all that you can be- your deepest, fullest self." Spong's writing echoes an earlier work by Carl Jung, The Undiscovered Self, where Jung writes: "Christianity holds up before us a symbol whose content is the individual way of life of a man, the Son of Man, and that it even regards this individuation process as the incarnation and revelation of God himself."

Being an individualist can be lonely at times, and ultimately a community of worshippers is going to have to consist of more than one person. I have not yet been to a Unitarian church service, and perhaps this would serve as a suitable option. In any event, I am more and more inclined to find my beliefs resonating with those of Bishop Spong and Jung. I see the act of becoming as holy, and that by helping to enable others to become their full selves I am performing a holy task. I will continue to hold to my belief in inclusiveness and togetherness, even where this means a departure from established traditions and practices, and the need to develop creative alternatives.

I'll close with a quote from a reader who posted a comment in response to an earlier blog entry on interfaith families:

"I was thrilled to find this blog. I am Jewish, my husband Catholic, and we are raising our children as both. We had a civil ceremony and had the marriage 'blessed' by a priest in a local church because it was important to my husband. We did not agree to baptize our children or perform any traditional rite. A Rabbi and a Priest performed a welcoming ceremony for both our boys. In this day and age when so much hatred abounds, I would think children are loved brought up to love god in ANY way, and who are taught to understand and appreciate the different ways to pray are gonna be good kids. No baptism or bris will make them better people. And who cares what any religious institution's views is? If it's important to you to receive baptism then fine, have your kids baptized. My kids are doing just fine without it."

My point exactly. When my wife and I were married, it was a religious ceremony that was co-presided over by both a rabbi and a Catholic priest. However, the vows we exchanged were of Pagan origin, Druid to be specific. In this fashion we were able to avoid pledging allegiance to anyone but each other, before God and our family and friends.

Druid wedding vows:

You cannot posses me for I belong to myself.
But because we both wish it, I give you all that is mine to give.

You cannot command me for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you with all of my heart and with all of my love.

I pledge to you that yours will be the name held in my heart each night,
and yours shall be the eyes into which I smile at the start of each day.

I will tell no strangers our grievances or troubles.

I pledge to you all that is mine in my living and my dying, equally in your care.

This is my wedding vow to you, a promise made to my dearest love and greatest friend.

This is a marriage of equals.

We did it our way. We will continue to search for ways to express the presence of God in our home that are right for us, making room for each other's cultural and religious practices. We're glad to know that there are others out there journeying along a similar path. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

"More Couples Choose to Wed Their Way." Washington Post, July 2, 2006

John Shelby Spong.com

Questions and Answers About Raising a Child in a Multi-Religious Family, by Racheline Maltese (AssociatedContent.com, June 6, 2006)

Religion, the Undiscovered Self and the Future (Metareligion.com)