Ahead of the Interfaith Curve: Rabbi Michael P. Sternfield

Unkosher Jesus is a site that I launched for the purpose of discussing and exploring interfaith relationships, marriage and child rearing, among other topics. I've devoted at least a couple of posts specifically to topics of interfaith families and child rearing, and one of the obvious challenges I've described is the lack of religious clergy and institutions that specifically support couples and families who choose to structure a dual-faith household for themselves (as my wife and I have).

Enter Rabbi Michael Sternfield of the Chicago Sinai Congregation. I discovered the text of a sermon he delivered during Rosh Hoshanna in 2002 entitled, And The Two of Them Went Together. It is a beautiful piece of writing that escapes the bounds of mere prose and approaches poetic sublimity. In this one sermon Rabbi Sternfield succeeds in both defining and defending the notion of couples sharing a dual-faith household (specifically, Jewish-Christian in his example, but which can apply to any such dual-faith arrangement). It is also a miraculous statement, as it represents an enormous amount of bravery on the part of Rabbi Sternfield, who delivered this sound defense of interfaith marriage publicly, before his entire congregation at the outset of the High Holidays. I honestly cannot do sufficient justice to the beauty of Rabbi Sternfield's sermon, and would simply like to share an excerpt here.

Every year, many more Jews marry non-Jews than marry other Jews. The preponderance of interfaith marriages constitutes nothing less than a silent revolution, and Jewish life will never be the same. Most of the attention has centered on the belief that interfaith marriage is a threat to Jewish survival. I am in complete disagreement with this prognosis. My contention is that Judaism will not only survive; it will flourish if we learn how to deal with the phenomenon of interfaith marriage more creatively. However, we must not expect the nature of Jewish life to remain the same because it will not. A new Jewish/Christian amalgam has come into existence. It is being created by those born Jewish and those Christians who are married to Jews and who are bringing their own sensitivities and mind-set with them.

The conventional wisdom has it that one cannot be both Jewish and Christian. But, I must tell you that the conventional wisdom is at least partially in error. As much as the formal institutions of Jewish life push for a single resolution concerning religious identity, more and more interfaith couples are creating their own path. Dissatisfied with the answers they are receiving from the institutions of religion, there are many couples who are making a serious attempt to blend their heritages, some with remarkable success.

Could we say that this is a new religion in the making? I am not sure. What I do know is that there is a new religious community in the making, one that is increasingly diverse, wherein the old boundaries no longer exist. As in the fable of the Emperor's New Clothes, almost all of the Judaism wants to go on pretending that these kind of phenomena do not exist; that reconciling Christianity and Judaism is not possible. If we care to look, we will discover that this is not the case. They absolutely do exist, and we had better open our eyes.


I have never read, nor have I myself even written, anything that comes closer than this wonderful sermon to describing my own vision of how interfaith relationships can and should work. Rabbi Sternfield’s willingness to acknowledge and accept change as a given and as a good thing is very heartening. Rare is the member of the clergy from either Judaism or Christianity who is willing to state simply and clearly that there is nothing inherently unchangeable or “eternal” about religious observance and tradition. Between God and religious traditions, God is the only One that is eternal and unchanging. The rest… well, suffice it to say that I believe that it is good and proper for us to reexamine what we believe and how we practice, regardless of whether these have been represented as nothing less than decrees from God Himself. Judaism teaches that to be born a Jew is to inherit the faith heritage of your Jewish ancestors, which you are then obligated to uphold. Christianity proclaims the divine authority of Jesus Christ, simultaneously God and Man, through whom all of humanity must be saved in order to inherit eternal life. And so on. All absolutes. Worship Jesus, follow the Gospel and practice the rituals of Christianity-exclusively-in order to follow God’s will and inherit the Kingdom. Worship God, follow the Torah and practice the rituals and teachings of Judaism-exclusively-in order to follow God’s law (and maybe or maybe not inherit the Kingdom, but that’s not really the point of Judaism).


Making room for combined ways of expressing belief and practicing faith traditions means being open to re-examining these beliefs, to changing these very traditions, if not what they stand for. As challenging as this is for most people to do, in the end I feel that the interfaith approach does more to affirm our humanity than restricting belief and practice to one religion. I know that the approach I advocate will strike many as relativist, but I am a believer in few absolutes. That God is One is one of these. That human beings are created to love and serve one another in justice and mercy is another. I don't see how interfaith relationships and religious observances and practices violate either of these. I'm glad to know that Rabbi Sternfield feels the same way, and moreover has the courage to say so out loud. In the simple and profound words of his colleague Rabbi Harold Schulweis, “Things change. People change... Institutions change. Doctrines change.” Amen, Rabbi. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

Taking "Yes" For an Answer, by Rabbi Michael Sternfield (InterfaithUnion.org)

The Interfaith Union (Chicago, IL)

The Best Gift for Your Unborn Children, by Rabbi Julie Greenberg (InterfaithFamily.com, July 24, 2007)

Rabbi Arthur Blecher, The Unorthodox Rabbi

Interfaith Approach to Forgiving Trespass, by Julie Galambush (The New York Times, January 1, 2007)

Interfaith Marriage and Families (UnkosherJesus.com, May 20, 2007)

Religious Americans: My Faith Isn't the Only Way (MSNBC.com, June 23, 2008)

Bishop John Shelby Spong (Beliefnet.com)

The New Seminary (New York, NY)

The Chaplaincy Institute (Berkeley, CA)

Free To Be You and Me (and Us)

Interfaith people- couples, families- we're special. Sure, we don't like to crow about it, but let's face it- we made some unique and bold choices to be in the relationships we're in. We like breaking new ground. For the most part we come from families who were expecting to pass on familiar traditions, religious and cultural, for us to in turn pass on to our own children. Instead, we have broken the link in the chain of traditional purity, eschewing orthodoxy in order to pursue something else that spoke to us. I can only speak for myself, of course, but I think it's safe to generally say that for those of us in interfaith relationships we saw, and see, value in relationships that transcend theology and dogma. I am personally very happy to see Christians and Jews dating and marrying in greater numbers. I think that there is real power in current generations of young people refusing to perpetuate ancient animosities and hurts, refusing to see either religion as flawed or "less than", refusing to let differences in religious heritage and upbringing to stand in the way of a loving human relationship.

However... the tug of tradition and familial ties is strong. We may be perfectly happy in our interfaith relationship, and still feel the pang of longing for something more familiar and comforting. At the same time we are confronted with the question of identity: Who are you? If I am no longer intending to raise my children in the Catholic tradition, what exactly is my plan? Who or what am I? If I don't want them to be exclusively Jewish either, what alternative do I propose? Who will they be? I could ask the rabbi at the neighborhood synagogue to split the difference- throw in some Gospel readings every so often, but don't worry about serving communion. Or maybe the neighborhood parish priest wouldn't mind reciting the Sh'ma at the beginning of Mass and adding a Torah reading to the service. Right. I'm sure I'd get real far with either of these.

Nor should I. I mean, I made the choice to pursue a non-traditional life path as far as faith and religion are concerned. There's nothing about my right to make that choice that obligates traditional faith communities to rearrange themselves to accommodate what I am looking for. That's on me. That's on us.

The Good News (technically not the Gospel variety, but obviously related) is that we are not alone, neither in our choice to marry outside of our respective faiths, nor in our pursuit of worship space and worship experience that does combine various aspects of our traditions. A wonderful example of this pluralistic approach in action is The New Seminary in New York City. The seminary's motto is, "Never instead of, always in addition to." The basic approach of the seminary appears to be one of teaching respect and reverence for all religions as legitimate paths to God. Seminarians are not asked to convert to a faith that is not their own, or to otherwise leave the faith they were raised in in order to enroll. The seminary is not about creating a pan-religion amalgam that homogenizes all religions into one mega-faith. Instead, the New Seminary simply refuses to demand that seminarians make the false choice between this or that faith, or to otherwise see more value in one faith and less value or "truth" in all others. The seminary states that "We believe that it is not the form of religious practice that is important, but the spiritual intent that underlies it. We recognize that God is in all things and in ALL people." And as I wrote in an earlier post, "it is no irreverence or betrayal to participate fully in the rituals and sacraments of faith traditions different than one's own."

The work of the New Seminary should be celebrated and applauded by those of us in interfaith relationships. The most threatening aspect of our relationships, to religious institutions, to family members, and even to ourselves sometimes, is the fear that nothing of our faith traditions and heritage will be passed on to our children because we're too busy dancing around the notion that you can only be Jewish, Christian, Muslim, or whatever other faith, but you cannot be both. For what it's worth, I'm with the New Seminary on this one- yes, you can.

Free to Be You and Me (Title Track)

Bottom Line: Who are we? I believe that as interfaith couples we are called to be trail blazers and examples to the wider community. We are called to move beyond the fear-driven false choice of either/or. Self-segregating ourselves within our traditional faith communities has obviously not resulted in a more harmonious worldwide human community. To demonstrate that we have the courage of our convictions we need to see the value in truly interfaith worship, in forging new paths towards being "both" in our respective households.

Yes, our respective faith traditions are beautiful and have their own unique character and history. However, this only has real value as far as our families and communities are concerned when we demonstrate how our unique faith and cultural heritages can also make room in our homes for our spouses traditions as well. We celebrate our spouses' traditions not instead of our own, but in addition to these. In doing so we serve as role models of peace, humility and respect for our children and for society in general. We keep what is good and beautiful about our traditions leaving behind the tendency to use these as an excuse to keep ourselves separate from others who are different. "Never instead of, always in addition to." Shalom.

-Doug L.

The Who: Who Are You?


FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

On Interfaith, by Rabbi Roger Moss (NewSeminary.org)

Bad Girl's Guide: Inter-Faith Relationships (Vixentales.blogspot.com, September 13, 2007)

Am I a Person or a Jew? (Jewish Atheist blog, July 30, 2007)

Questions and Answers About Raising a Child in a Multi-Religious Family, by Racheline Maltese (Associated Content.com, June 6, 2006)

Debating The Year of Living Biblically (Slate.com)

Interfaith Observations, Pt. 1 (Way Is Vast blog, October 10, 2007)

"Faith space opens: Old Union facility promotes interfaith worship." (The Stanford Daily, October 9, 2007)

How Does God Speak in Interfaith America? (Mainstream Baptist blog, October 8, 2007)

God Big Enough to Embrace All, by Bishop John Shelby Spong (Washington Post On Faith, April 13, 2007)

The Center for Progressive Christianity

Tikkun Magazine

Network of Spiritual Progressives

I Did It My Way...

Frank Sinatra: My Way

Regrets, I've had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course, each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels and not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows and did it my way!

When I first started blogging on the topic of interfaith relationships, religion, dogma, etc., never did I envision quoting the late great Frank Sinatra as a means to illustrating a given point I might try to make. But, the lyrics to My Way nicely summarize a lot of what I've been experiencing emotionally and intellectually the further down the interfaith path I travel and particularly as I contemplate what it is I want for my household and, someday, for my children. Let me try and explain...

In the opening post on Unkosher Jesus, I described myself as "as the Catholic half of a Jewish-Catholic marriage." This is technically true, as I was raised, baptized and confirmed as a Roman Catholic. Yet in a recent post ("Equal and Opposite Reactions", 09/11/2007), I responded to a reader's posted comment in part by saying that "I do not look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." The reader responded with both editorial commentary but also with a question that I feel requires serious reflection if I in fact take my approach to an interfaith lifestyle seriously:

"It is truly sad that you don't "look to the Catholic Church for moral or spiritual leadership." Exactly what do you, as the Catholic half of an interfaith marriage, look to the Church for then? It seems ludicrous that you would call yourself a Catholic and not care what she says concerning moral matters."

So, what kind of a Catholic am I? How can I call myself a Catholic if I have married someone who is not Catholic, and with whom I do not intend to raise Catholic children? Well, maybe it's time I simply made peace with the fact that I am more than a lapsed Catholic. Maybe a better term for someone like me is Existential Christian, as I feel like I have left the old, familiar ways of worship and belief, but have not yet arrived at my new home. I know that I want my family's home to have room for God in at least two different fashions, one Jewish and one Christian. I know that I want our children to be affirmed in the heritage that they will inherit from both of us, Jewish and Christian, Greek, Irish and Czech. I believe that the reality of God is bigger than the teachings and beliefs of any one religion.

In fact, I find myself gravitating to the writings of Episcopalian Bishop John Shelby Spong, who asserts that humanity's theistic conceptualization of God is both false and unnecessarily limits our ability to know and honor God. In his 2001 book "A New Christianity for a New World", Spong describes God not as the Author of Being but as the Ground of All Being: "God is Being- the reality underlying everything that is. To worship God you must be willing to risk all, abandoning your defenses and your self-imposed or culturally constructed security systems. If God is the Ground of Being, you worship this divine reality by having the courage to be all that you can be- your deepest, fullest self." Spong's writing echoes an earlier work by Carl Jung, The Undiscovered Self, where Jung writes: "Christianity holds up before us a symbol whose content is the individual way of life of a man, the Son of Man, and that it even regards this individuation process as the incarnation and revelation of God himself."

Being an individualist can be lonely at times, and ultimately a community of worshippers is going to have to consist of more than one person. I have not yet been to a Unitarian church service, and perhaps this would serve as a suitable option. In any event, I am more and more inclined to find my beliefs resonating with those of Bishop Spong and Jung. I see the act of becoming as holy, and that by helping to enable others to become their full selves I am performing a holy task. I will continue to hold to my belief in inclusiveness and togetherness, even where this means a departure from established traditions and practices, and the need to develop creative alternatives.

I'll close with a quote from a reader who posted a comment in response to an earlier blog entry on interfaith families:

"I was thrilled to find this blog. I am Jewish, my husband Catholic, and we are raising our children as both. We had a civil ceremony and had the marriage 'blessed' by a priest in a local church because it was important to my husband. We did not agree to baptize our children or perform any traditional rite. A Rabbi and a Priest performed a welcoming ceremony for both our boys. In this day and age when so much hatred abounds, I would think children are loved brought up to love god in ANY way, and who are taught to understand and appreciate the different ways to pray are gonna be good kids. No baptism or bris will make them better people. And who cares what any religious institution's views is? If it's important to you to receive baptism then fine, have your kids baptized. My kids are doing just fine without it."

My point exactly. When my wife and I were married, it was a religious ceremony that was co-presided over by both a rabbi and a Catholic priest. However, the vows we exchanged were of Pagan origin, Druid to be specific. In this fashion we were able to avoid pledging allegiance to anyone but each other, before God and our family and friends.

Druid wedding vows:

You cannot posses me for I belong to myself.
But because we both wish it, I give you all that is mine to give.

You cannot command me for I am a free person.
But I shall serve you with all of my heart and with all of my love.

I pledge to you that yours will be the name held in my heart each night,
and yours shall be the eyes into which I smile at the start of each day.

I will tell no strangers our grievances or troubles.

I pledge to you all that is mine in my living and my dying, equally in your care.

This is my wedding vow to you, a promise made to my dearest love and greatest friend.

This is a marriage of equals.

We did it our way. We will continue to search for ways to express the presence of God in our home that are right for us, making room for each other's cultural and religious practices. We're glad to know that there are others out there journeying along a similar path. Shalom.

- Doug L.

FOR FURTHER REFERENCE:

"More Couples Choose to Wed Their Way." Washington Post, July 2, 2006

John Shelby Spong.com

Questions and Answers About Raising a Child in a Multi-Religious Family, by Racheline Maltese (AssociatedContent.com, June 6, 2006)

Religion, the Undiscovered Self and the Future (Metareligion.com)

Welcome to Unkosher Jesus!

Unkosher Jesus is the fruit of my musings as the Catholic half of a Jewish-Catholic marriage. We live in the metropolitan Washington, DC area where the rate of intermarriage among Jews and Christians is apparently much higher than in most other parts of the US. Each interfaith relationship is unique and has its own issues and challenges, but for all interfaith couples there are a special set of challenges that come in addition to the pressures any couple typically endures. There are challenges over different faith traditions, challenges over no faith tradition, challenges having to do with figuring out what faith to raise children (if any). And of course, throughout all of it there is the continuing challenge of dealing with the expectations of parents, other family members and religious institutions that have their own expectations as to how our relationships ought to be run.

Unkosher Jesus has been launched to provide a place where anyone who is a member of an interfaith relationship or is simply interested in the interfaith experience can post their thoughts, concerns, insights, and read those of others as well. It is a place where we can explore our shared religious faith traditions while challenging these to remember what their intended purpose is in first place- to create communities where people can grow closer to God by treating other human beings with mercy, compassion and justice. Unkosher Jesus is a place where we can support and even challenge each other as members of the greater interfaith community. It is also a place to discuss current events as these intersect with matters of faith, religion, family and relationships.

My faith heritage and that of my wife's each share the same monotheistic roots, but as a blog Unkosher Jesus does not restrict itself to that point of view. It will strive to reflect and promote the belief that while the world is home to many different countries and cultures, traditions and religions, we are all members of one human race. Unkosher Jesus readers will have the opportunity to comment on each post. Inappropriate comments will be removed- each reader is welcome to state his or her disagreement with the contents of any particular post, even strongly, but please do so respectfully and in the spirit of advancing, not halting, any given discussion. Also, as religion and faith issues often intersect with issues of politics and culture, Unkosher Jesus will usually have something to say about these as well. I hope you do, too.

For those interested in submitting an entry to be posted on Unkosher Jesus, you are invited to please send your submissions to unkosherjesus@gmail.com. There is no prerequisite that prospective authors/commentators be the member of any particular faith, or any faith at all. Readers are invited to submit posts that speak to any variety of issues and current events as these relate to their own interfaith relationships and experiences, including comments and perspectives reflecting your own specific faith tradition. All posts will be published anonymously, unless the author provides Unkosher Jesus with permission to post his or her name. This will typically include the author's first name and the first initial of his or her last name. No one's contact information will be included with any post.

Again, thank you for logging onto Unkosher Jesus! Without further adieu, let the conversation begin...